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A rant

Willow

So, I know this is going to sound super sensitive. But that’s actually because, on this issue, I kind of am. And I know it’s probably been intended as harmless fun but sometimes context makes it less so.

There’s a blog post. It’s “hilarious” apparently if you have kids. It’s SO HILARIOUS if you have kids, you feel some need to send it to me. And laugh (at me?) as you do it. No joke, this link has been sent to me *a lot* in the last day and a bit. It’s titled “Are you Ready to have kids” and it’s here, if you live under a rock, or aren’t me and haven’t been bombarded with it.

So. Newsflash. People who don’t have kids *do* actually have an idea of what it entails to have kids. Many people who don’t have kids in fact, don’t have kids for those very reasons listed (and are probably laughing at and not with those who are passing the link along). As a 36 and a lot year old woman, who has not yet had kids, it’s probably quite clear that I don’t do things accidentally and in fact plan quite a lot of my life down to things like contraception. In, in fact, think quite long and hard about things before I go ahead and do them. On top of this, I watch a lot of television – television can be very educational. In fact, often it’s quite hilarious to use items on that list as amusing scenes about having kids. Oh really? You don’t get sleep with a newborn? Fuck me. It’s like I never knew that!

But here’s the reason why I’m supersensitive about it. I do want to have kids. And being ready for it or not is no longer the point for me. I’m going to be 37 very soon. And you know what? My odds of falling pregnant naturally have been halving every ovulation (yup I used a term related to female reproduction, go me) since I was 35. Last October I was given medical advice that if I didn’t get onto it like yesterday, it might already be too late. So “being ready for it”? Fuck off, that’s not part of the luxury I get to have about right now. My window? It’s sliding shut and I’m running towards it in slow motion and kinda crossing my fingers that I get there in time to wedge it open.

But I don’t know how that story is going to unfold yet. I have actually never tried to fall pregnant so I don’t know if I’m good at it/ am capable of doing it. And I’m getting married soon. So … obviously this is part of what’s going on for me right now. And … you know. I don’t know if that’s going to be something that I talk about here or not.

But I’d really really appreciate people not laughing in my face about how hard the reward might be when I don’t know if I’m going to be able to have it yet.

 

Mirrored from Champagne and Socks.


Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
dragonsally
Oct. 24th, 2012 10:50 am (UTC)
I think I totally understand how this makes you feel, I remember being in your place so vividly.
melwil
Oct. 24th, 2012 11:17 am (UTC)
This is what I was trying to say. And that I found the 'hilarious' post really long winded and rather whiny.
girliejones
Oct. 24th, 2012 11:50 am (UTC)
Funny thing is that really, everyone has been really good about all of this - so many people are on my side and find stories to make me feel better. It's always the en masse stuff, isn't it, that has potential to wound.
melwil
Oct. 24th, 2012 11:35 am (UTC)
Huh - just found the exact 'test' in a parenting book I borrowed from the library. The book was published in 2000 and didn't call it a test at all - calling it advice instead. So it's at least 12 years old and not at all original
girliejones
Oct. 24th, 2012 11:48 am (UTC)
I blame Facebook
benpayne
Oct. 24th, 2012 11:59 am (UTC)
We are in much the same position... not only running out of time to have kids, but also, inevitably, and relatedly, running out of time to do all the things we want to do before we have kids...
girliejones
Oct. 24th, 2012 01:13 pm (UTC)
I suspect you're actually never ready and have never done everything you think you want to get done.
kathrynlinge
Oct. 24th, 2012 11:12 pm (UTC)
Yo.
ozisim
Oct. 24th, 2012 12:37 pm (UTC)
OMG!
It gets worse after the wedding!
You see... I'm allowed to be single and not have kids... But as soon as I was married EVERYONE started in on speculating how long it would be before I was pregnant!
I'm sorry, but people who have only just met me, who don't know how many years it's been for me since I had to accept that I couldn't have kids, who has no clue if I've been "trying for kids" and have been having miscarriage after miscarriage - they get genuinely upset when I tell them that children are not in my future... I get told that I'll change my mind. I get told that I'm a bad Feminist!
Seriously.
Apparently, being a feminist means that you want to have a career and children to these people... they give no weight to my belief that it should be about my right to choose both, or either, or Neither!
I don't bother defending this any more... If I explain, I get asked what my husband thinks!
Seriously.
*sigh* - I just tell people that I don't want to have that conversation with them and ask that they change the subject. If they push, I let go of a little of my anger and tell them - this is not the time or place to have a discussion about dead babies. And I walk away.
That usually does the trick.
girliejones
Oct. 24th, 2012 01:12 pm (UTC)
I can't believe people think that's their business and that you should volunteer personal information for their approval.
ozisim
Oct. 24th, 2012 01:33 pm (UTC)
Yes!
And then get upset when their commentary is unwelcome!
...I am tempted to get a T Shirt made with "No, there aren't going to be any little Edwardses!" written on the front!
girliejones
Oct. 24th, 2012 01:37 pm (UTC)
:(

I'd go for something more concise, either:

Fuck You

Or

Don't be an Arsehole

But ... you know ... I might be angry :)
ozisim
Oct. 24th, 2012 02:33 pm (UTC)
Lol - not half!

I feel the need to differentiate between a "I don't want to hear your opinion on my girl-parts"- Fuck off, a "My food intolerances are not mind over matter"- Fuck off, and a "No actually, your Faith/Herbal/Foreign medicine can't cure my disability" - Fuck off.

Totally want a Wheaton's Law T-shirt!
redbraids
Oct. 24th, 2012 03:44 pm (UTC)
There are a number of things here I would like to say (about pressure to have kids after marriage, and how you could replace the "have kids with" "care for someone with cancer", but maybe in person :-)

But yes, people are often insensitive, and it seems to be a badge of honour that no one knows "stuff" until they have kids. Yet this is true for so many things in life, as no one knows what anything is truly like in someone else's shoes.
girliejones
Oct. 25th, 2012 10:36 am (UTC)
Its definitely a badge of honour that you don't know if you haven't had them. I read. I watch Tv and film. I talk to people. I see people close to me doing. Sure I haven't lived the experience. But surely my scientific method training means I've gleened something.

jedinic
Oct. 25th, 2012 03:10 am (UTC)
This has been my panic year regarding children. It's made me do all kind of crazy dating. I've been on medication for PCOS - which messes with my system in terrible ways - because I specifically do want children someday. And like you, the window is getting smaller and smaller.

Last month, I began to come to terms with the idea of hiring a surrogate. It's ridiculous that this seems an easier option than adopting (adoptions in my home state are, hmmm, 1-2 per year, and to adopt from overseas often means the child will be at least 2-3 years old before you can bring him/her into the country).

It's such a complex, emotional topic.

And so terrible that you're bad if you want kids, you're bad if you don't want kids, and there is SO MUCH JUDGEMENT handed out.
girliejones
Oct. 25th, 2012 10:32 am (UTC)
*hugs*
piajurin
Oct. 26th, 2012 02:47 am (UTC)
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! At 38 and 3 months I have pretty much come to terms with the fact that motherhood and I are never going to be. I get so angry when I read those articles that claim that women are being too picky in choosing partners. Hello? I wasted two decades giving my love to men who saw me as a "nice way to pass the time until someone better came along". I certainly didn't choose to be unemployed, broke and childless. The last man I slept with was so paranoid he took the condoms with him, citing "fear of financial ruin". You can imagine my surprise when three months after breaking up he announced a pregnancy.

Four men have married the one after me. Two (and possibly three) have impregnated the one after me, I did not choose any of that.
girliejones
Oct. 26th, 2012 01:12 pm (UTC)
Oh yeah, I got that lecture last year from my doctor - that I'd left it so late and what was I thinking?
What was I thinking? It's not like I'd had great options that I'd just tossed aside for amusement. Life happens.
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )

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