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You’ve nothing to fear except fear itself

Willow
Honestly, I am my own worst enemy. I really do terrorise and sabotage myself. I have avoidance issues. Denial or ignoring things work well when avoiding things. Also procrastination. I’m a master in the art.

I think the hardest things though in trying to get on top of things, or catch up or even to just DO something, is to do a status check and to make decisions. These aren’t even *hard*. They’re just emotion-laden. There’s all these inherent judgements attached. Which are ridiculous and half the time don’t even *matter*.

So. Examples.

Since I came back from Paris, I’ve been terrified about how much weight I might have put on. And I’ve been *meaning* to get back into the 12WBT program – there are 3 weeks left of this round. I’ve been sick, that’s true. And lethargic. And hard to motivate. But even so. Part of this might be fixed just by eating better – eating more salad. Who knew such leafy air nothingness could provide you with so much energy? But still. I have not managed to get on the scales and at least fact check for a status report. Yet. Without a status report, you don’t know how you’re going. Or what actions you need to take next. Or even give yourself a datum from which to navigate. You got bubkus.

This morning I got on the scales. And the bad news? 2 kg gain. Which is half of what I feared it would be. Of course. And is bad in that it speaks to the last month of habits I have settled into. But not earth shattering. Now I can be honest when I grab the chocolate bar and not immediately delete it out of my memory records. And I can make better efforts to add greenery to my meals. The world didn’t end.

Or Getting it Done. I’ve fallen off the wagon with lists management. I didn’t take any with me on my honeymoon. Hello? On holiday! But that didn’t stop emails coming in. Actions arising. Requests and invites and opportunities from knocking. And a bunch of projects got put on hold for my wedding which now need to be ramped back up. So firstly, I’ve found it impossibly hard to accelerate back into my normal cruising speed. I suspect you have to slowly and continuously add speed rather than jump as I am attempting to do. And, again. I’ve been sick. And that comes with low energy, bit of depression, lots of lethargy and apathy. But mostly I’ve been wandering round like a stunned mullet with no idea where to start and no idea if I even *like* this publishing gig anymore. Just cause it’s All Too Hard. Best to avoid than to have to status check and make decisions.

But it turns out. You just have to read each email and decide what it is. And write down the action related to it, or delete it or archive it. And that’s called “collecting and collating your stuffs.” And it has emotions tied up in it – oh I let that slide and it’s too late, I suck, or I should have replied to that chatty email three months ago, I’m a bad friend etc. And sometimes the decisions are hard. I don’t know what the “what next?” is or I don’t want to think about it cause it’s *hard*. But one email at a time. One “what next?” at a time. One “oh yeah that’s where that was up to” at a time and suddenly the inbox gets reduced, the accompanying folders get reduced and the lists balloon out into “oh I can just do that one right now” tasks. And? And oh yeah? Suddenly I’ve accelerated up into mild productivity. Now that wasn’t so hard was it? (Oh but it was!)

Seriously. I annoy myself. All the fear needs is to be looked in the face. One task, one step, one truth at a time. And the rest takes care of itself. But my that fear is scary.

Mirrored from Champagne and Socks.


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