I feel less sad today and am a bit sad about that. But also, I think it shows me that everything that I worked on this year was real, and foundation building and purposeful and lasting. I don't have to have the world crumble just because I got my heart broken. I don't have to crumple into a heap and berate and beat myself for a couple of months just because it didn't work out. I don't have to break in order to give what it was, to me, meaning. I can be sad. I can wish it wasn't this way. But I also can see that I really did build something here - a life, my life. That I love. And that this wonderful life will go on and does go on. It's full and it's got so much love in it that it blocks out the sun. It's got so much work in it that there's more than enough to go on with. It's just as busy and buzzing as much as it was last week. There's someone missing and he is very missed. But maybe we will be friends and he will be back in my life again soon. There are lots of sunny days and blue skies ahead. (How's that for progress?)
The tough bit is saying the above (that I am not broken) and not letting that take away from what the whole experience was for me - so positive. So amazing and mindblowing and wonderful. And as satyapriya commented, now I have had a taste of what I want and I can add that to my list. And I think, I may be wrong, but really beautiful relationships end and if they were truly beautiful, they don't fuck you over on the way out? And ... I believe in destiny. So I'm going to surrender to the serenity and give my love life up to the Universe. It's not something I can control and so ... I'm going to let go on worrying about it. What will be, will be. (Possibly more progress)
Anyway, back to - what the fuck am I doing with my life? I mean the rest of my life. Seriously. What the fuck *am* I doing? I'm on 6 month rolling contracts in a job I'm not that passionate about, doing work I don't really believe in and am not actually nurturing any kind of long term career path in it. And don't necessarily want that anyway. I'm squandering a bunch of other opportunities. I've had a bunch of ideas about what I really want to do in life and ... I've kind of seen a glimmer of something ... and I just haven't yet gotten into really pursuing it. I learned a lot about myself in the last two months - saw aspects of myself that I didn't really expect to be there (I'll get round to blogging that at some point) and ... I'm kind of interested to see what I could do with that - if I actually put my mind to it. So ... yeah. What the fuck am I doing? This is not what I *should* be doing anyway.
So I guess this morning I kind of had my Eureka moment - or the Universe kicked me in the arse. I have a lot to get on with here. Just one or two mountains to move. Stay tuned.
And sort of following on from that. A while ago - ooh just before I met the boy, in fact - I did this experiment of sorts. I bought a six month astrological reading from an astrologer that I kind of think has a bit of cred (with me, if that's worth anything) just to see what he'd be like. It's got specific dates across the six months so ... he either calls it right or he doesn't. I thought I'd see how he went. And if you were wondering, August 3 through 6 was a very significant time in which major changes were taking place. So, I am navigating from that point cause he kind of got that right (it's a whole paragraph and I'm not going to paraphrase here except to say that he kind of nailed it). Anyway ... apparently later this month, I am going to have a Big Idea - the "kind of idea that people will refer back to later on as the idea that changed everything". Pressure much? Am kind of intrigued to see what that will be. Aren't you? At the moment there is not too much going on in my head at all. I hope the idea isn't something like: ooh here is a better way to store my spare toilet paper rolls.