Went for a long, 10km, walk with my trainer. She did it as a friend and not work, which was really lovely. And I loved chatting with her but she's just starting out on the RSVP gig and I dunno, it was all just really hard to hear. I know it means I've still got healing and grieving and whatever left to go. But ... it was tough. And the thought of having to get back out there is just horrifying right now - it's not nothing to put yourself out there and have you noticed people who tell you to never actually have to do it themselves? It's not nothing to risk everything with totally new people. And it's not nothing to stand naked emotionally and intellectually and physically in front of someone new, with no guarantee of anything. Even when things look good, there's no guarantee. And taking the risk is not nothing, to have to do.
And I'm not sure the endorphins ever kicked in.
And I must be jetlagged, cause the sad did just kick in.