We were sitting having dinner tonight after seeing Mamma Mia at The Astor - possibly my final visit, though I am definitely up for going again with anyone else, and in celebration, I had an English Toffee Choc Top.
Me: I'm thinking of going to Tasmania.
Me: I dunno.
K: To visit Tansy?
Me: And Dirk.
K: That's nice.
Me: Or maybe Brisbane. I haven't decided yet.
Me: The world is my *fucking* oyster
K: You should put that on a Tshirt
Me: How do you do this?? How long have we been friends? 10 years? How do you cope?
K: Yeah. I think I just let it wash over me most of the time.
Me: What's it like?
K: Yeah. I don't know!
Me: What do you think the *next* 10 years will be like?
K: Yeah. I don't know!
Me: How do you *do* it.
K giggles awkwardly
I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do
So we went to see Mamma Mia. Now I'm a big, huge, fan of musicals. Not so much ABBA but really, you can't really go wrong with ABBA. They defined pop and really everything else is a crap imitation. And as the musical shows, there's not a situation for which an ABBA song would be inappropriate. And the movie was ... well. It was like all musicals, silly and totally over the top. Everyone overacted ridiculously and I didn't have the smile off my face the whole movie. It was great! It didn't take itself seriously. And really. Thats the way to go when you are going to have characters randomly break out into song and dream sequences.
I Have A Dream
But it was great. And it had me thinking. Because I like to do that in ridiculously over the top Hollywood movies. In counselling this week we were talking about what I would take back and what I regretted. And it was an interesting discussion. And it's had me thinking ever since. Because I guess the whole thing in life is about taking a moment to take stock, see what you did and didn't like about yourself or what you learned or whatever.
And I was thinking, this year has been one helluva ride. I mean, it's like I opened up a floodgate or something and there's no real going back. When I think about it, this year has been like living in 3D Technicolour after having lived in black and white for a long time. And I know it happened incrementally and it was a really big task, but I guess I am saying that I am at a point of no return. In a good way. I've experienced a lot of emotions this year and they have been the highest highs and the lowest lows and that's kind of the point. Or maybe I should say, not the lowest of lows. And that's more to the point. And that that's the non-negotiable here. But I think also, the good thing is that I discovered I can be sad and not get lost in that.
I've felt more like myself this year than I have in five and probably ten years. And for a long time, I thought that was lost. That I was lost. Or gone. Or unreachable. Untouchable. That the unending sadness or numbness or nothingness had killed it. Killed me.
The Winner Takes All
Yet here I am! Standing tall on my own two feet and staring down the future. This week I learned the Warrior Pose in Yoga and geez I liked the power of it. Here I am. Not unscathed. Not without my war wounds. But they healed. And actually, I really am stronger for them. I'll never again let someone cripple me and who I am. I'll never again let someone let me believe that what I am or who I am or what I believe in or what I want in life is wrong or invalid or unworthy. I'll never again fit myself into someone else's picture. And I will always strive for greatness and dream big. Because I never want to be a person who dreams small. I will always strive to be brave and passionate and open and loyal and true. Because that's who I am. And I will never again allow myself to be contained or tamed or subdued. And the best bit is how this feels. It feels ... ALIVE!
Take a chance on me