girlie jones (girliejones) wrote,
girlie jones

On happiness ... again

I've got a bunch of jumbled thoughts in my head that would probably come out more coherently if I left these posts for a day or two but work is really ramping up and I don't think I will have a lot of room to move this week.

I've been quizzed a bit in RL on just what it is I mean by the "Fairytale" and the "happily ever after" because I don't mean "and then there were never any problems and noone was ever sad or fought or ... whatever" That's not what I mean at all. Because I guess I considered I had the fairytale with the ex and I would have stayed with him had he not ended it because I felt I was on that path - and that was far from happy and beyond the rainbows where it is bright and shiny and golden.

So I've been thinking about just what it is that I mean. And at the same time, I've been thinking about how you can be happy, and have what you want but for it to just look different to how you thought it would. And I guess, one of the things I always thought would be inside this "fairytale" is that my house would be always full of people - coming and going, dropping in and staying. And I guess I saw that as a household full of kids. But when I sat back and looked round last night, I realised that my house and my life already look like that picture. Ever since I moved into this house, it's been (and my life has been) filled with people - dropping in, coming over for dinner parties and coffee, staying over. This house bursts with life and love and laughter. And last night I had people come for dinner, other people drop in afterwards and feel so at home that they could go to the fridge, take out dinner leftovers and microwave them and join the crowd. It made me happy to realise that I have what I always wanted - it just looks different to how I thought it would. That's all. And that's not to say that I won't ever have a house filled with kids but it does show that there are different variations to a/my fairytale. And that I shouldn't miss the wood for the trees.

On top of that, I feel so blessed because of the friends I have and for the people who pass through my life, on whatever timescale. I admit I am in a bit of a crazy headspace right now with some crazy propositions I am floating and I got hassled out from one end of the night to the other with pleas to just *not* but I also got ... I still love you and I will be here to pick up the pieces, several times in the night. And how can you not feel free to see if you can fly when you have people like that preparing the safety net behind you?

And also, when said craziness is actually more about self-harm but when you look around at the people around you who will pick up the pieces, you realise, maybe you aren't harming just yourself anymore. And that kinda detracts from the appeal. Guess that kinda means I'm not actually alone anymore. And if people are going to the trouble to get the safety nets out, maybe it would be more worthwhile to jump to see if I can fly and not for the purpose of crashing and burning.

(Special note to those who had to hear said Crazyness - not gonna remotely do it, was just *thinking aloud* to see HOW crazy ... and yes .. outrageously so.)
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