girlie jones (girliejones) wrote,
girlie jones
girliejones

Tuesday

I had counselling last night. I still go about once a month. I kinda just want someone to check in with me every now and then and make sure I am ... I dunno. Sane? Saner? And plus... as editormum said last time, Ogres are like onions and I'm still working on stuff.

Basically, I am working towards being a happy, complete, self-contained and robust individual. Well, that's my goal anyway. Yesterday, we spoke a bit about female role models in my life. I mentioned that the other day I had taken a look round at the kind of people I surround myself with and the one thing I think they all have in common is how stable and solid they are. I have so many people in my life that I can turn to in a freak out and get a calm, rational, logical sounding board. Which is totally cool. And I guess something that I am lucky to have role modelled in my life every day. I think I am that kind of person when people come to me for advice on their problems. And it's something I have been working on internally this year - asking myself what advice I would give someone else in this particular position and then actually trying to follow that advice.

I've also been working on breaking old, sometimes very old, bad habits. Of how I view myself and how I react to situations or emotions or feelings. And working on finding a positive or constructive reaction. Because as I deal and remove all the obvious ways I self sabotage, I'm finding lots of other, less obvious and more deep-rooted ones that hide away in dark corners. And I am determined to shine the light in every single one, call it as it is, and eradicate it. In some ways, I am a little uncertain of what happens after that. But what I am challenging myself with is ... why don't you go to that place and then have a look around and see? Sort of a feel the fear but do it anyway approach.

So the current question I am dealing with is: why don't I want to be the best that I can be? Which is kind of a shameful thing to admit that I, with all my passion and Disney fairytale ideals, still don't actually strive for my personal best. In every aspect of my life. I mean, in some ways the answers are kind of obvious - fear of failure, fear of success, fear of failing because being the best I can be is not good enough. But again, I am trying to apply a feel the fear and do it anyway approach. It's new - maybe only 2 to 3 weeks old - and I am still working on breaking habits. But the best bit so far is locating and identifying them in the first instance in order to look at what needs to be broken or changed. And I guess too, a little bit of excitement at the idea of one day not being handicapped by the feeling of fear. Of truly flying without a net and fully giving in to the rush.

So in all this discussion, my counsellor drew me a wheel that is sectioned off into aspects of self and how you need to work on striving a balance in all of them, by setting goals for each - you know like, physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual etc. And in some ways, at the beginning of the year, when I began my journey, I did identify some of these as needing work - social for example being a big one. And I think I have been slowly working through them. I'm going to give thought though to working through all the spokes on the wheel and set goals for each. And strive for this thing people call, "balance". And also maybe try to start waving at the milestones as I pass them by. Even for old times sake.
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