For the last two weeks I have been struggling over what I write here and what I do not. There has been something kind of big/new going on with me in terms of my personal journey along the road to being a self contained, stable, non self harming individual. But it's not been something I have felt comfortable or free, necessarily, to blog here. And since I try very hard to make this an honest and open account, I've struggled very deeply with what has at times felt like a lie and at others an enormous omission of what I am doing and processing. I hate censorship and I have hated feeling like I am self censoring here.
I think I have been doing it for two reasons - the first because I have not wanted to offend others in case they might feel that judgements or statements I make about myself I might also extend to them. The second I guess relates to both my self image and how I view that and how that relates to (my version of) feminism. Or more truthfully, how I feel that I am letting down the feminist cause in both the way I process my self image and the way I am now working on reprocessing.
I'm not sure if that makes much sense at 1.30am but I wanted to get it down so that I remember that I owe a really big blog post on the next thing I am tackling to do with reducing the ways I self sabotage. It's sort of another big thing and involves lots of changes both in what I do and internally how I view myself. And it's not like you won't begin to notice the changes in me, in real life.