About two weeks ago, it must be by now, I bailed on punkrocker1991 when we were supposed to meet for dinner because I was running a bit ragged with life. Russ knows what that's like and he knows what I'm like so he just threw out there at me that I should take care of myself and checked everything was okay with me. And I was like, yeah, fine what do you mean?! And he said to me, "I don't know. How many self harm behaviours are you currently displaying?" And I felt quite indignant at that and virtually put hands on hips and said, "I have no idea what you mean! I don't do that anymore!"
And then I thought about it for a little while. And then I thought about that a bit harder and I thought ... you know ... there are a few things I still do to self sabotage and maybe now is the time to look a bit deeper.
And here is the beginning of this, I spose.
Because if I were really and truly honest, I do not strive to be the best I can be. In any and all areas of my life. And further than that, I actually sabotage myself in the pursuit. And in looking at why I do that, I guess I also have to deconstruct myself into parts and look at each and how and why I do that.
I don't know why I selfsabotage. I'm still searching for that answer. I've mentioned in previous posts how I'm trying to feel the fear and do it anyway. So the bit that I haven't talked about is how this al applies to my self image and appearance. Talking about yourself and how you view yourself is such a difficult thing to do. You see yourself from a different angle and perspective to others and I know I hold myself to different standards compared to those I hold others to. And me saying things about myself is different to you saying the same thing to me - whether it's true or otherwise. And blogging these things here is a bit scary because it opens all of this up to be scrutinised in a public forum and in front of people. Kinda like me showing you all the flaws in my patchwork quilt top. You might not have seen then but now that I've pointed them out it'll be the only thing you focus on.
Still ... feeling the fear and doing it anyway ... here goes ...
The question that I've boiled this all down to for me is this one: Why am I afraid to be beautiful?
First I have to define the word "beautiful".
I actually don't use this word very often and then mostly when describing an amazing sunset or a pristine vista. But it's the word I would use to describe the boy all the time and because I hardly use that word, and because it's not really a word you tend to use to describe boys, I noticed it. (And yes the boy still reads this blog but yes too, we have remained friends and he knows what and how I think of him.) And sure yes, I mean it in a physically attractive way, of course. But what I really meant was his soul and the character of his person which shines out and radiates around him in what he says, how he expresses what he thinks and believes in and in his actions towards people and how he is in the world. I found it dazzling in the purity of its light.
So to me, I guess, the word "beautiful" when I use it in that question above, in application to me, is really why am I afraid to reach my own potential and be the very best I can be? Why do I deliberately make sure I am less, or look less, than I can be? What do I think will happen if I present as my best?
But, whilst I work on that answer, I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyway ... and in so doing, I have to tackle all aspects. And that includes my appearance. Because ... I sabotage that, a lot. Every day. The why I do that is the bit that's wrapped up in my ideas on feminism, the fashion industry, beauty and the way we value women. I kinda want that in a separate post. So I'll park that and come back to it.
But the what and the how are things I need to address in the meantime. So I've sort of made a list of the things I do or do not do and started working through them. I've started dying my hair a darker and richer colour and I'm growing it a bit longer. I'm dabbling in all kinda of personal grooming type things. One at a time. I've started clearing out my wardrobe to ditch all the old and grotty type items. Replacing things bit by bit - starting with shoes and handbags and sunglasses (haven't had a pair in years). I've started wearing my contact lenses most of the time. I've begun a proper facial routine and I wear lip balm!
And the big one - I've started changing my diet. And am working on losing 20kgs in the next little while - aiming to have lost 5kgs by Conflux and am about halfway there last time I checked. I don't really like talking about it but the truth is that this is the biggest way I self sabotage on a daily basis and it's the thing I notice that makes me unhappy when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at night. I know that I look the best I can *considering*. And I think that I am sexy and attractive. But I also know that I limit my potential, and I do that on a daily basis. And the fact that I can't wear the kind of clothes I want to, bothers me. All the time.
So I've been working on this with my trainer who has been so totally cool with helping me with this. I've been writing a daily food diary and discovered some really interesting things. I have some really bad, and not so obvious, habits that I'm working on breaking. And I've been doing not too badly with that. It's a work in progress. It's tied up with other things. But I think I am going to get there this time.