So ... did lots of thinking. About a bunch of different things. And I came up with a new working plan for getting myself back on track. I'm looking forward to seeing how that goes tomorrow.
I also mulled over what I posted before leaving about my self image and feminism. And I was thinking that in addition to everything I said, I think my views and image are more complicated. I think also, I don't think I deserve to look nice, and to wear nice things, or even to smell nice and have nice hair, when I am overweight. I think for me it's like that's not someone I want to be (state of mind represented by the weight) or I don't like how I look so I punish myself. I even refuse to buy clothes for myself at certain sizes - to force myself to lose weight. But all it does is make me feel bad about myself and so the spiral continues.
Further to that, I've often and always had this idea that I am invisible. It's ridiculous really. I'm made up of electrons and protons and matter just like everyone else but I often feel like noone can see me. I spose that's partly why I am so loud in a crowd. And then I think if I am quiet, I disappear. And I spose especially I feel that way when I am larger. And there's been lots of times in my life where I have stood in a circle of people and noone has spoken to me at all. And that just perpetuates my idea of my invisibility. (Ha ha! Take that Harry Potter and your pesky "cloak") And I spose then, stepping out and wearing the kind of clothes I secretly really want to wear would most likely push me out into the view of people and I couldn't pretend I can slink off and hide anymore.
Just more thoughts still in processing... thanks everyone for your own thoughts on the subject. They've been really helpful (even if just to admire my lovely shoes!!)