Really long locked post about stuff. The summary of which is ... I think I am going to challenge myself in the future, when I am ready to meet someone new again, and it's cool if I don't feel that way for a long time, I'm not going to settle for less than everything. I want to be someone's centre of the universe. I want to be with someone I can be 100% honest with and is 100% honest with me and being honest is something that is not scary or threatening. And ... if I can't have that, then I'll have it with myself. Cause I am the centre of my own universe and I am learning to be 100% honest with myself. And that's far better than to have less with someone else. And feel free to remind me of this post if I deviate. Kick me up the pants. I seem to not learn this lesson very memorably. And it's frustrating on this side of it all.
So that's the first thing.
The second is that somewhere along the line I stopped the pursuit of being me. I was talking ages ago about how I felt about my appearance and image and how it relates to my thoughts on feminism etc. The other night I was at Russ and Liz's and I picked up one of Liz's nail polishes and discovered the colour was called "VIP Status". I chuckled and thought that was awesome and that she totally deserved to wear the colour "VIP Status". And then thought, I wish I did. And then I mentally kicked myself cause hello? Why do I think I can't wear VIP Status? Since when do I think I am not a VIP? And it reminded me of how I bought a pair of silver sandals the other week and was so excited because it was such a big thing for me to buy sparkly - not because I don't like sparkly but because I don't normally think I have earned the right to wear sparkly. And that was also, hello what the fuck? Since when do I think I need to pass some exam to earn the right to wear bling? And so I have been doing this internal wrestle with myself as to what my actual taste in clothes is, and other things I guess, and when and why do I dampen and conservative-ise that down? And when exactly do I think I will have earned the right to wear glitz?
And you know it comes back to the I will be happy/deserving when ... and you know how I finish that sentence. How did I get so fucked up in the head about my image of self and how it relates to my relationship status? Where does this come from? And talking with J on the phone he was saying that I didn't deserve x, y and z and I was sitting there and *knowing* that was true. And that was why I was not prepared to accept it (now). I know that my self image has absolutely improved this year and even though it's not *done*, it's getting there. And that's why I could do and say what I did last night with confidence and without fear of consequence because I had nothing to fear. So ... that should mean that I get to wear silver sandals and VIP Status nail polish and I dunno, tiaras, if I want to. Right?
Somewhere this year, I stopped my push towards settling into my life fully. I dunno if I can express that properly but at some point this year I paused and thought, well, someone else will come in and so I don't want to make all the decorating (for want of a better description) decisions on my own. I do that a lot. It's one of the things I used to do with the ex - not do the dishes so he would have to and then he would be seen to be caring for me and participating in my world. So what do I mean? I haven't fully settled into and unpacked my house - and maybe that's in part because it feels like if I take up all the space in my world, there will be no room for anyone else to come in. Course, if there is noone coming, then I've been living in cramped quarters for no reason. So like, I haven't finished unpacking my kitchen and the spare room and sorting out my study. (I actually started the kitchen on the weekend after starting this whole thought process) I was going to overhaul my wardrobe and buy and wear more clothes to the taste of the person I am not the image I have constructed - or reconstruct my image to better reflect me.
I have done a lot of things towards settling into my life though, and it would be unduly harsh to say that I haven't. I have gotten the hair dresser and beautician things down pat. And I have bought some new clothes. And I didn't compromise my friends and my life when I was with J. And the reward for that was it all going along just like it did before he got here. And that has been awesome. But sometimes I keep slots in my diary free for "just in case". I'm not going to do that anymore. And I'm not going to hold out on watching movies or TV shows either (I might do that to wait and share that - wtf for?). That kind of thing. Basically I am going to get even more out there and loving life than I have been. And that's something exciting to look forward to. It's also really awesome and liberating to spread out and into who I am. I bought some clothes when I was shopping with Cat in Canberra and I finally wore them last week and wondered why I didn't buy more clothes like this? I really do get my own knickers in a knot sometimes and make like so much harder than it needs to be.
My friend A_ at work gave me advice on Friday. She said I needed to go away and think about what it is that I want, what kind of picture I want to be in, and then I would know how to evaluate what comes along as to whether it fits in the picture or not. And it's taken me a long time to figure out that I was looking at the picture wrong. It's not really about what it looks like, it's about how it makes you feel. And what I really want is what she has - she is the focus of her fiance's world and when he is not at work or studying, he is with her because he wants to be. Or like cassiphone whose honey came and sat and listened to her skype with me on Saturday night because that's what she was doing. I want that. And I want that or nothing.
And now for the big revealation - I can't make "that" happen. It's not a test I can study for or a project that I just need to commit myself to or a skill I need to master. It is or it is not, there is no try. And so now, I have to walk off and leave it behind. Wanting isn't going to make it happen. The thing is though, when you have wanted something for so long, it becomes part of who you are.
The really weird thing in it all is how I feel disappointed in how things ended up with J but I don't really feel the need to beat myself up and make myself the bad guy. It's weird not to walk down a path that's so well trodden. But I don't feel bad about myself or the need to reconstruct and start over again with me. My world hasn't crumbled and there actually isn't anything wrong with it. My friends are still here. TPP is still here. I got a promotion at work. I have my family and my craft and my books and my interests. It all still goes on like it did and it's all still fabulous like it was. It's really quite a surreal feeling. I never really believed that for me, life would get better and be okay. And I never really believed that could happen for me when I would be single. There's a lesson of learning in this here isn't there.
And more than that, I think that I thought that if I wasn't the bad guy, that means that J is. But maybe there isn't a bad guy here. Maybe there is just a mismatch.