girlie jones (girliejones) wrote,
girlie jones
girliejones

On feeling invisible

I've been thinking about that last post and I think it comes down to the fact that often, and for a large portion of my life, I've felt invisible, forgettable. And I don't know why I choose relationships in which I become invisible. I mean, I'm not invisible - both metaphorically and literally. I certainly couldn't claim that in my every day life. But I have felt that way with J and definitely with the ex - like when you tell someone something but they need to be reminded of it later. The "oh that's right because you blah blah blah" thing. Or they forget and ask you again when you know you spent 10 mins explaining it two days earlier. Or they never remember how you take your coffee. That kind of thing.

And there were two moments today that highlighted to me the "I want that" statement I made in the previous post. I popped into my fave cafe and got a coffee. I don't go there all that often - not even necessarily once a month. But I chat to the barrista when I do. I didn't order the coffee with him but he called out and said, "You don't drink normal milk" and I don't. I had completely forgotten to order it "skinny". But I'm not invisible to the barrista and that's such a nice feeling. The "I want that" is about the little everyday normal mundane things and not about anything else at all. That's how you know that people care about you, really care about you.

And the second? I'm going to hang out with some of my work girlfriends tonight so I just dashed out with one of them to grab my contribution to dinner. And I brought it in from the car so it won't get hot and M_ says "Sugar-free lemonade!" And I said, "Yeah." And she was visibly touched that I had catered for her (diabetic) but like ... why wouldn't I have? She's not invisible to me and I care about her. But the thing is, that one tiny thing made her feel visible and loved. And that's what it's about. That's what I'm looking for in life I guess - in family and friends.
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