girlie jones (girliejones) wrote,
girlie jones

other things

Had a slightly bad OCD day today - worst day I guess in quite a while but not bad, just "there". Had a moment I had to talk myself down from the crazy, which I did. Interesting to note this here to log against the Crohn's flare up - I would assume I'd be absorbing less Vit B and things like zinc and so on (cause of the location of my Crohn's, in my ileum) and those things regulate normal thought process. Thus depression is a common side effect of Crohn's (and why I ramped up the Vit B this week).

I've got counselling tomorrow too so I shall mention it.

Day 5 of Crohn's flare up. Today was worse than yesterday. Will see how I go tomorrow. The worst thing I think is the fluctuating between acute gut pain, temperatures, sweats etc and then ravenous hunger. I think the ravenous hunger is the worst, especially as I can tolerate less and less and there is almost nothing to eat to satisfy it. It's easy in those moments to think it doesn't matter what I eat ... and then sincerely regret that decision an hour later. The constant low grade cramps are easier to tolerate. Though, discovering that I can live life without them makes it less easy to ignore when then come back, like now.

I've been a bit casual with my diet over the last year and I spose once I get this back under control, I'll need to be less casual about it for a good few months. Like I said, be careful what you wish for, huh?

Kind of related but not to the above is some thoughts I was having this weekend - aside from the ones from yesterday. Thank you all to the lovely and wise advice, I'm still working and thinking through a lot of it but I appreciate it. I got a lot of food for thought. What else I have been thinking is that this weekend I noticed that I finally seem to have gotten my life back on track to where it was just before I met the ex or say in the first year or two of us getting together. Sort of. I definitely was not in the best mental place when we hooked up and I was in the first bout of prolonged depression by then because soon after we got together (maybe the second time? so 6 months in) I hopped off the postgrad clock and deferred for ... well. Anyway, it's taken me till now to feel like I am rock solid and good again. I still have a way to go but I can see I am getting there. My freezer is back to full and prepared for busy times and caring for my health. I'm clearing out old clothes and just junk that I moved from house to house. Stripping back the crap and not holding on to things to keep time from moving on, maybe? I can see myself feeling more in control of my life again, rather than not. Paying bills on time, filing papers away for easy access when needed, running errands and doing chores rather than just not.

All good things. But it makes me wonder about the last 7 years or whatever it was. Was it really that long? How did it get this way? I have thoughts about that, some related to the previous (locked) post. But it is nice to feel more and more like me, like the me I was before him. I guess bringing back into the light all the facets of me that I packed away. The other night I was thinking about how much I miss the ex. But then I made myself specifically list all the things I missed, and none of them were really him, they were more about being "with someone". And in thinking about all these things, I really was aware of how much I kept shelving away parts of me, and molding myself to fit an image of who he wanted to be with. A thought that ran through my head was how if only I hadn't flipped out, I would still be with him. And then I thought about what that would be like, how much of me would be missing, dead, forgotten, shoved away, with fake personality created in front to fit the image. And that's not a way to live. It's nice to bring me back into the whole again. And ... you know, if I'm too much, then so be it, I guess.
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