I often find it hard to say no. And as such I am almost always doing something in my life I don't want to do.
It's long worried me that this could be a problem should I ever have children to raise. Or a dog to train, I spose.
I'm the absolute worst in romantic relationships - and that you probably know, if you've hung around this blog for a while. A large portion of my life with the ex was about doing things I didn't want to and I lacked the whatever it is to stand up for myself in that relationship and at least have it reciprocated some of the time. One of the things that bothered me a lot about the relationship I had with J, at the time, surrounded some moments of my lack of enforcement of my own boundaries. Which is to say, I may not always speak up and voice that I am not comfortable with something.
And that's a serious issue that I have felt I need to address for a while.
Funnily enough though, whilst I've been grappling with how to go about that, I've kind of had an epiphany in a different aspect of my life. It so happens that I think I have finally moved on from The One thing. It just kind of happened one idle Tuesday a couple of weeks ago. I don't know what happened or how it finally got sorted so quickly and so completely as it did, but it did. Tansy has been long hammering me in the head about it. And frankly, given that she's the one who likes fairytales and I'm the one who likes space opera, I really don't know how it is that my view of the world stayed so steeped in fantasy. But I've been thinking a lot about thought and action and reaction and so on and Dirk has been talking so much with me about Buddhist philosophy and there is so much strength to be found in it. And suddenly I started to be able to take control of a lot of my inner world. And discovered that when you do that, you blow around a lot less and you remain a lot more grounded. And the more you do it, the better you get at it. And as Dirk tells me, you drive your emotions, they don't drive you. And then you will know who you really are.
And probably that's where it all comes full circle. Cause Dirk suggested to me that I would never really be able to find someone to spend my life with, unless I first know who I am. And when I know who I am, then I will know what I am looking for, what I am not willing to compromise on and to be able to set personal boundaries, I guess. So for a couple of weeks now I've been trying to answer that question - who am I? Who am I really?
And bugger me - I discovered that no bloody wonder my love life history looks like it does. Because the answer to that question has always been the two bit whore on the street corner: I'm anyone you want me to be, baybee. Rather than looking for someone to fit me, I have been molding myself to fit in with others. Big surprise there on the whole that doesn't last and doesn't make you happy thing. And when you start figuring out who you are, it's so much easier to look at someone else and say, well I don't enjoy that or that's not something I am willing to do. What happens? You start to *know* what your boundaries are and it turns out that once you do know them, there's no big great leap forward required to *enforce* them. Because once you say who you are, not enforcing your boundaries pushes you into being someone you are not. And that suddenly becomes not just uncomfortable but intolerable.
And so I've been on this big quest for looking for The One thinking that person had some key and that key would fit inside my lock. And maybe they do have the key but if I don't know what the lock looks like, how can I ever know what shape the key has to be? And further on from that ... I always thought that the key had to be made up of things a person likes to do - their job, their interests, their pursuits. But it turns out it's not that at all. And thus it is no great surprise when it doesn't work out with someone who looks good on paper. It turns out, it's about who a person is, not what they do. And fuck me but I thought I knew that years ago! Because as Dirk so eloquently put it - if a person possesses respect, tolerance, intelligence, understanding, interest and support in you and who you are, they will mesh with you. By definition. And there is more than one person, surely, who can do that. Thus there is no The One.
And so ... with all the above as a brief outline of where my head has been. I am blogging to say that lately I have been enforcing personal boundaries. And it feels kind of weird. It's not hard and it's not something I am forcing myself to do. It just happens. And ...
I feel SO MUCH BETTER.