cassiphone said to me yesterday - you just might have to accept the fact that you might be over him.I've been mulling this thought over since cause ... well ... the whole thing actually just feels totally unrelated to me. Which means of course that the hard work I put in, lo this past 18 months, was genuine and well worth the effort. I guess it means I really am a stronger, happier and more robust person, which was the point of the whole darn exercise.
I shared the news with A this morning at work. The cool thing about being the friend is you get to be the one to be shocked, disapproving and snarky - as y'all have done. It's the point of being the friend - to make your friend feel better. And it means I get to stand here and just ... roll with it. And as I summed it up to her, this is how I feel - my happiness is my own. And it's unrelated to him. And that means that whether he's happy or unhappy is of no consequence to me. Either way, it is unrelated to my own happiness.
This is what
flinthart was trying to teach me, or was leading me towards finding (wanky sounding or not) - to be in control of my own emotions and not to be led around by them. I was worried it would mean that I would be less passionate. More Vulcan. Less ... embracing and full-feeling of the world and experience around me. But actually, it enables you to remain happy even in the face of unpleasant things.I didn't want that life. I didn't have the strength to make that decision for myself and to walk away but I wasn't happy and I didn't want it. And since it ended, I have been to NYC, London, Tel Aviv, Jerusalem and Istanbul. I've had the odd fling or two. I've lived alone. I've met a whole new tonne of awesome people, expanded my own social network, developed new friendships and deepened established ones. I've reestablished a whole lot of interests that had gotten moved out of my life due to being of no interest to him. I've beaten some of my own demons, conquering the depression, the anxiety and the OCD. I've pushed for my own job promotion. I've learned how to pay bills and run a whole house, my way. I've become a dog owner. I've established a small business. I've been drawn further and further into local and national fandom.
I've become a person too busy to manage her own social calendar. Who discovered it's a lot of fun to be out 6 nights a week. And that it's also just as fun to spend a night in on her own. I discovered a lot about myself and about people. I've created a home that is forever being frequented by people who fill it with laughter and friendship.
I've had a frickin' awesome time. And I don't plan on stopping :)
