Today has been the absolute worst day so far and also really bad as it follows one of the worst days for me at Twelfth Planet Press - I don't mean the worst financially or crisis wise, those all seem like par of the course - I mean personally challenging on the I want to go *over there* and I currently lack the skills to get there. Or maybe I just had clarity on being able to see my own personal strengths and weaknesses. I have a lot of support, a cheer squad, people helping me out and reminding me that I am currently expecting something enormous from myself. I should expect to feel stressed and so on. I'm someone though who feels anxious when encountering something I don't know how to do. I like to know the outcome, I guess. Doesn't mean I shy away from the challenge. Doesn't mean I won't try my hardest to meet and exceed it. It just means I feel highly stressed as I demand something from myself that I don't know if I can deliver.
So ... a good time to quit sugar? I hear you ask. Actually, it's the only time to do so. Liberal applications of sugar and early and often would be how I would ordinarily cope and comfort myself under this situation. My addiction is at its worst when I am personally at mine, or at least very stressed. I need to learn how to find other ways to cope and develop new strategies to feel better.
Not grabbing a chocolate bar today was the hardest thing of all.
Leaving myself to feel the emotions - angst, antsy, nervous, frustrated, upset, disappointed, angry and so on - just as hard.
And the withdrawal symptoms of the sugar leaving my body, the cravings and the habit of throwing sugar at the problem of finding a way to dig deep and work harder and be more concerted and concentrate and so on were high high high irritability, light headedness, headache, lack of focus and restlessness. I felt AWFUL. And close to tears. I had to physically take a deep breath and count to ten before answering my phone today. And for a phone that hardly ever rings, it rang all freaking day. I spent 6 hours tracking down a task that was for me but got lost in the system two weeks ago and now has a stupid turnaround time. I wanted to climb a wall.
I was just so damn irritable. It was horrible. And odd to observe - I felt the emotion but it didn't feel like me. Like, why was I getting so easily frustrated with certain people over certain things? It felt like putting your pedal to the metal and the car not freaking GOING! Asking myself things that normally would be easy to execute and feeling like I was swimming through mud trying to get there.
I did though get a job application drafted up. Tomorrow I will finalise it and submit it. I also finalised Glitter Rose and paid half the printing bill. Sorted out some details for getting TPP stocked in another brick and mortar store.
Tomorrow is another day. And I know if this were not so hard, there would not really be a point in the exercise. And the harder it is, the more I want to kick this. I can hardly believe I actually had what it took to start this but now, after 8 days I want to be free of it and out of its control, once and for all.