Today I didn't feel irritable at all. I felt quite upbeat. And clear headed. And I worked and focussed on just one or two things. I also submitted my job application. And took the time to feel how lucky I am because two very good work friends took the time to give me feedback on my selection criteria and saved my butt in a few places (mostly by pointing out things I had forgotten to add) and then kaelajael helped me out at the last minute when I found a typo that I absolutely could not live with on my beautiful CV that vodkandlime did for me. I realised that I might feel frustrated and stressed when I push myself to shoot for goals beyond my current skills but I have so many people in my corner cheering me on and who have my back that I am a very, very fortunate person. I felt loved, I guess.
And that's what I want to take away from the last two days its that I think I use sugar to numb my feelings. And that's cool when you want to cope with really horrible emotions (though the last few years say it doesn't numb ALL the bad feelings), but it also works to numb the positive, awesome feeling ones too. I had a fascinating discussion in counselling on Monday in which I learned that drug addicts are not only addicted to the drugs but to the escape, the way to deal, the habit and the self medication/numbing of feelings. You can kick the addiction, but if you don't find ways to cope and deal with life, you never really will stay off your drug of choice, you will come back long after the chemical addiction is broken because it's the only way you know how to deal and cope.
So for me, it has to be ok that some of these days are gonna be hard. This is supposed to be hard - its about facing issues and learning to find new ways to cope.
And that was Day 9.
"we choose to ... not because they are easy, but because they are hard." John F Kennedy, 1962