January 30th, 2008

Willow

Going with my gut

So I've just come back from lunch.

I managed to talk over with the him all the things I feel that I need forgiveness, or maybe pardon for. I asked him had I not done those things, would we have broken up (those things include the OCD and losing myself and my way) and he said, no he thought we would still be together. And I sat there, not expecting that to be the answer and instantly thought "but I would still have been unhappy". He said I was fun in the beginning but gradually got less fun. (And that maybe I was fun now). And I said it was because I lost myself ... that I was trying so hard to be the person that he wanted me to be. And he said that he didn't want me to be anyone but me, to have fun, enjoy life and enjoy the boat. And that's the keyword right there at the end of the sentence there. One does not automatically follow the logic. I didn't enjoy the boat. I didn't enjoy constantly having people in my face on my holidays. I didn't enjoy always doing exactly the same thing week in and week out on the boat. I didn't enjoy that there is only one item on the Rotto menu that I can eat and have to have it every time we go there. And I mentioned that he wanted me to get on with his friends and enjoy them and what they did and that he never enjoyed or liked my friends or what I did. That he would never want to do the things that I wanted to do. And he said that wasn't true, that he would have absolutely. I put out there going to cons and going to Turkey as suggestions and he said, yeah sure why not?

Why not indeed? The thing is that history shows that that wasn't the case. It also shows that he rewrites history. So that for him, he thinks now about being in a relationship romantically, that he would like to think he would do those things. But he never did. It was always his way or the highway. And by trying to do things his way, I ended up wanting to throw myself *off* the highway. He's big on promises and sweet talk and less big on delivery.

And I must remember this and remember my gut reaction which was "that I would have still been unhappy".

Worse, I might not have gotten out of the relationship so he did me a favour.

We ended on a hug and a kiss and he is off next week for a month overseas. So... I have time here to take all the time I need in the world.

He doesn't think I am ready to be friends yet because he says I am so upset. I did tear up a bit. But I'm actually not sad the relationship is over. I am sad to not be *in* a relationship but that is something entirely different.

I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I got lost. Disappointed that I tried to be someone that I'm not and instead of seeing that, I just tried harder and got more lost. I'm disappointed that I didn't put my own happiness front and foremost. And I'm disappointed in "my behaviour" as he put it (not nice when trying to find pardon). I'm worried that this is who I am and that this could happen in the next relationship.

But the thing is ... I'm upset at how angry I got on a couple of occasions and how I chose to vent that. But ... it took a very very long time for me to get that angry and even though it might be over x, it was always about the integrated sum of x or whatever. In other words, I might have put up with 1000 occasions of x and never said anything, and suppressed the anger and then blew up. And it's not like I wasn't unjustified to be that angry. I'm sorry about the OCD and the pulling back of affection (the real deal breakers I fear) but again, they were a reaction to the situation I was in - and an expression of the anxiety and so on that I was experiencing in the relationship. I'm not sure I could have helped this - I just wasn't meant to fit in this match and the more I tried, the more anxious and so on I got. And this is how it manifested.

So ... I'm disappointed in how I behaved. And that I tried so hard to be someone I'm not. And that I got lost.

None of that really has anything to do with him. But I really would have been forever unhappy, I think. And I have to keep reminding myself of that.

And even as he said (despite the above) - next time pick someone who likes to do what you like to do. That's the plan, was my response.

(I feel worse though you know? Cause, I disappointed myself. How do I redeem myself to myself?)