February 2nd, 2008


By myself

Today would have been our 6 year anniversary. This morning punkrocker1991 and lyzbeth had me over for brunch and judging by the lack of effort the ex went to last year, this is probably better than what I would have gotten! They have been such good friends to me, having me over lots and feeding me delicious food and bolstering me up and sending me back into the world. They are among the many friends that I am so lucky to have and who have gotten me through this period in my life. Thank you guys - and thank you to everyone else who is helping to make sure I don't fall apart.

I'm sitting here by myself on a Saturday night and trying, yet again, to piece it all together, to somehow make sense of it in the hope that I will be able to move on from it. On the one hand, it's been what? 10 weeks? which seems like such a long time since we ended but on the other hand, it's like it's *only* been 10 weeks and maybe I am expecting too much too soon. But I was thinking how the ex would think me sitting here on a Saturday night is so typical of me and why he wanted it to end. (he wouldn't take into account it's only the second night I've been home this week)

See, I think I keep trying to figure out *who* I really am - am I the me before him, the me whilst I was with him (and i changed over the 6 years, like anyone would) or whatever it is I am now. And I realised that it's okay to have a breather right now. That I am allowed a time out to just put myself back together. That I don't have to fill every second with other people, like he does, and that it's perfectly fine to just ... chill. And that this is just a period in my life like all the others have been. And that who I am now is probably not who I will be next year or in the next phase of my life or whatever.

Also, today, I discovered I have a "skittle" shaped body. Yay?

So ... I'm left wondering what holds me back from moving on and what and why I can't let go.