February 17th, 2008


Gruesome Dreaming

I'm not having nightmares as such. And I've only edited one Warren and one Conyers so far this year.

But ...

I'm sleeping with the aircon on at night. It's just too hot. Mine is on a thermostat so that it turns off at my preset temp and then regulates the room in the night - turning on and cutting out as necessarily. And I'm assuming that whirring is invading my sleep.

Because the other night I had a pretty darn gruesome dream. It felt like a sequel dream, where the murder of some person was familiar and this was the continuation of that. I was peering into a room and two women shook their heads at me and closed a curtain. I was not to know what was going on in there. Except ... I could hear it. I welcomed into the room I was in, people I knew ... they'd come for a minyan (Jewish Prayer gathering for the days following the burial of a loved one). As we gathered and prayed, in the background I could hear the constant whirring of a mincer or a food processor. And at some point in the middle, one of them came out to get a tablecloth and she made me give her a kiss on the cheek and all I could see was the blood smatterings on her upper arm and summer suit jacket. And when it was finished, my mother and I went into the kitchen and draining on the dish drainer are all the parts of a food processor. And my Mum kept trying to gather them up and I kept shaking my head and saying nevermind, I would buy her a new one.

And my mother, in response to this dream told me yesterday ... that's all about your relationship breakdown.



It's a funny thing watching yourself come back together.

By no means do I think I'm doing it on my own - I have discovered that you *are* truly rich when you have true friends and family who love you unconditionally. To be embraced and cherished when you feel at your lowest, rejected and defeated, it's pretty much the most amazing feeling. Even when I am convinced it's gonna be a rough day, there's always something - an email, a text, an invitation, a present in the mail or at my doorstep - to bring a smile to my face and uplift to my heart and soul.

I don't feel alone in this.

And because of that, everyday I see things that show me I am coming back together, to me.

I gotta lotta shit to work through here. I think when it's just you and that's it, there's nowhere to run and nowhere to hide and noone else to blame. And so I've found myself picking up a lotta junk I probably buried good on 6 years ago and sorting through it again. Looking at it and wondering if I need it. Am I going to pack it up and move house with it again or am I gonna cull, toss the junk and reduce my boxes? It's a physical and a metaphorical process for me right now.

But ... like I said ... there's glimmers of hope. Tonight I made dinner and I made enough for lunch tomorrow. I packed it all up and it's ready to go for tomorrow. That may *seem* like a regular, normal thing, and that's so the point. *That* is how far along I have come in dealing with my OCD. I can't even really believe it a) that I've come this far and b) that this same person was that same person.

Ticonderoga Publications Online

Should have pointed y'all over to the very super duper new online store for Ticonderoga Publications, yonder.

But then ... I wouldn't have been able to point you to the fact that you can pre-buy 2012 there too as of today, ici.

Or ... you could purchase yourself 2012 AND one of the multi-award nominated Ticonderoga Publications books, like The Workers Paradise AND/OR Fantastic Wonder Stories

Or ... preorder yourself 2012 AND one of the forthcoming Ticonderoga Publications books like, Magic Dirt, the Best of Sean Williams AND/OR Shards - Shane J Cummings' new Collection AND/OR Love in Vain - Lewis Shiner's Collection.

It's convenient, no?