February 24th, 2008

Willow

whimper

I have so much to say but it hurts to even type this. I gave in about 30 mins ago and took so panadol.

Head. Huuuuurts.
Willow

Choose the path less travelled

So on Wednesday I'm going to be 32. My manager thinks I am obsessed with this number. And well, I guess in a way I am. I feel in lots of ways like I just slid down a snake in my personal game of snakes and ladders and whilst I'm all too aware that you never know when you're gonna land on a square with a ladder on it, and how high that ladder is going to be, right now I'm kinda bummed cause I feel like I'm back at square 1. When I was 6, I thought I'd be married by 21. When I was 21, I thought I'd be married at 30. When I was 30 ... well. Yeah.

Anyway, I'm not. And I personally have a nice and graphic little life history of self sabotage, harm and abuse. And when you come from my kind of background, you get really excellent at choosing forms and methods that noone else will ever notice. Oh yeah, I'm the master at that. And I'm feeling just a bit down on myself - I'm disappointed in parts of me, in things I've done and stuff.

I just looked at myself in the mirror and named 4 things I could do, off the top of my head, to hurt myself in ways that noone else would ever see. I guess that's kinda scary. I always thought that I would be happy when I was with someone, that my life would be fun and filled with stuff, that everything would happen if only I was with someone. And I feel kicked in the teeth, I guess, that I just discovered that when you pick *some*one and not The One... those things don't naturally follow. And in fact, the fact that they don't naturally follow kinda makes everything else a lot lot worse.

So I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought ... or ... I could pull my shit together, I could be happy in myself, I could have a life that I love and do things that *I* want to and if and when The One comes along, they will be attracted to me *because* of the life I lead that makes me happy. And if they fit into that world, *then* I will know this person is not just *some*one.

So .. now .. there's just this one thing that I have to get a handle on. And it's gonna take me a bit of time but I think it will be great when I do. Imagine ... being happy and that not depending on anyone or anything and not having to be compromised because of anyone else... It's an intriguing thought and one I intend to investigate.

Thank you to everyone who came out and hung out with me yesterday (and laughed at me as I got slowly drunk). It meant a lot to have you here and to share the time with you. I love you all.