Sometimes I do wonder why I bother at all.
Let me ask a general question - when you sign a contract, do you read it? Do you make sure you understand it? When you write a contract, do you understand it?
ETA: Because if you don't, you should. And you should feel comfortable to ask questions and clarify. And if you don't like a particular aspect, you should say so. I know that's happened for some contracts at Shiny, and we've been more than happy to modify (usually to do with electronic exclusivity rights).
So I've been sitting here all day deciding what to post. It's actually been a very gruelling week for me. I thank all those who have sent me such uplifting emails - they buoyed me for the others. Of which there have been several and come from different directions about different things. I've been down about them and it's held me back from racing on to new projects and from getting excited with friends who have raced off to do new projects. It's rubbed off some of the shine.
It's easy to feel beaten down when you work so hard and someone doesn't appreciate it or see what you do. It's easy to feel like a dead balloon when someone comes along and sticks a pin in you. I'm not speaking specifically here about anyone and I can think of at least 10 people who will - don't email me though, I don't mean you. I mean me.
I sat crying at my mother's this week and she looked at me and she said, "Alisa, this is what it's all fricking about." (I may have put the "fricking" in there). "You're not perfect, noone is. It's about looking at your flaws, or what you've done wrong, owning them/it and then doing better next time. Ot it's at least about figuring out what you think is true and what to take on board."
And yeah, she's right. People say things, all the time. If you put your self out there, and take a risk, there will *always* be detractors. You will always get criticised. And some of it will be true and lots of it won't be. But you can't learn to be a stronger, better person if you can't learn to deal with it and respond to it. As a grown up, you have to learn to accept rejection. You have to learn how to handle it. And you have to learn to rise above it. It's not always true, it's not always right and it's not always for the right reasons. And sometimes it is - true and right and for the right reasons. The key is to learn how to spot the difference and learn to respond in the right way.
And for me that's to never give up. To see the truth where it is, to take it on board and to keep on walking. To always strive to be better and to do better.
The bit that sucks is that the journey hurts like hell. But that's how you know you're alive, right?
So I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry for the things I have done wrong or could have done better. And I'm going to work on being a better person. Cause, after all, that's the fricking point, isn't it?