April 28th, 2008

Willow

Thoughts

Today is my Grandmother's birthday. She would have been 89. She passed away two Novembers ago.

Tonight I was going to go to a L'chaim at my uncle's to mark the day. But it seems there were 3 Jewish funerals today and so everyone else has to attend at least one Minyan (prayers for the dead) this evening which pushed an 8pm drink to an 8.45 one. It's raining and dark out and I have a headache because when it's humid, there is more poison in the air at work. I would very much like to go but am planning to be in bed by 9.30.

I will have a l'chaim here and she has been very much in my thoughts today.

Yom Huledet Sameach, Shula! I love you.
Willow

Yoga and stuff

I went to yoga at lunch today after at least one, but possibly two, weeks off. I have been going for probably 3 months now and been feeling that I was getting nowhere (along with pilates and joining and going to the gym). But today, after a week or so off, I could really feel it and that means that if I lost something, then I had something to lose! And even though I could feel that I had missed a week, I was still far more advanced than when I started yoga in the first place. So ... this is a good thing. I think. And I love yoga. I feel like my rusty body is slowly getting all the hinges oiled back up again.

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I have a team working with me to screen the RSVP offers. It's kind of an interesting experience because I realise I actually can't say no. Well, it's not that I can't say no (and I don't mean like *that*) but that I actually don't like telling someone what I think they don't want to hear. And that actually has gotten me into a heck of a lot of awkward, uncomfortable and bad situations. And often it means I let things go far too far and then instead of having to just say no, I have some bizarre situation I have to figure out how to get out of. I do think that's how I got into the relationship with the ex in the first place. And my long term friends can attest for a fair few bad similar situations I've found myself in.

And I can see it here before my eyes, a guy will send me a kiss (that's the RSVP heads up system) and I'll read his profile and there will be nothing remotely in common but I feel bad saying "no thanks". I actually should not allow myself to reply to any of these on my own without discussing because I'm more likely to send a kiss back etc etc and then its worse to turn around later on and say no thanks. And actually, your friends are the best people to help out with this because they get forced to hang out with the losers too. The whole thing has led to some kinda funny moments with people saying to me "he likes boats, reject". Or "he likes *Dickens*, you *hate* Dickens". And instead of me thinking, "well maybe that could work ... maybe I could be *that* person", I'm reminded of all these things that I violently abhor and I'm going "Oh yeah, I really *hate* that". And actually, I didn't realise how many things I have vehement objections to and it's kind of fun to just say something's not going to work at the start instead of saying "I know I know" to my friends when they whisper to me "but you HATE Moby Dick" whilst he natters on about it all etc.

So the process has actually been interesting in terms of finding ways to define myself and getting an idea about my image and also in terms of saying that there's no negotiables (like reading, and reading a newspaper doesn't count as reading) and about being clear about who I am and finding someone to fit into that rather than thinking how I could be the someone to fit into someone else's life.