I just paid a healthy sum of Idiot Tax.
The *annoying* thing is I was *doing* something about it! I was!!! I've been sitting here today finally working through what needs to be on my to do list. It's going to be a big list. It's going to probably be about 25 pages long - the ASif page is 3 pages long on its own. But that's fine. I am prepared for that. The hard bit is actually thinking through what needs to be done. When it's all in your head, it's stressful because you need to remember all these things and not doing them means retaining the memory AND feeling bad for not getting ahead AND then the more guilty you feel, the worse you feel and then you forget *why* you feel bad about a particular task so that the task itself makes you feel bad and you don't know why. Leaving it for ridiculous amounts of time mean you can't remember *why* you weren't doing a task or what about it makes you feel sick and so it must be hard and that thought process puts you off.
And then there's the in between - when you've started making the list of some things but others you are still working from the list in your head and you don't know if you're coming or going. And so starting to make the list makes you feel sick because you won't be able to put everything down all at once and you won't remember some things and then you will forget to do things and then it won't be more efficient than winging it anyway. So you don't make the list.
But it could just be me. In which case - that's the kinda stuff goin' on in my head.
But today, I got into the right headspace to start making this to do list. I gave myself permission to allow the list to not be perfect - I can always add things to it as I remember them - and thus I made the transition from horrible, harassed headspace into organised, orderly, on top of it productive person.
But being able to make lists requires this "right headspace" - it's highly focused as you start big - FIX THE WORLD - and then work down into bitesize steps along the way. It's hard to first remember all the big things and then you have to brainstorm and work out how you are actually going to do these. Both being reasons contributing to earlier paralysis.
But see, tonight I had promised to take a chocolate mousse to dinner. And I needed to buy cream. So at 2.30pm I popped out to buy said cream. And FUCKING forgot my house keys - which I'd taken off my keyring to leave for my cleaning lady to let herself into my house this morning cause I had to take my car in for its service at 8am. And of course I did this on Shabbos so I couldn't call my aunt to borrow her set. I went to her place to see if they were there (after I rang my Mum of course) but they weren't. Went to my mum's, debated us driving all round random friends of my aunt and uncle's to see if they were there for lunch after Shule this morning and figured that would take me just as long, and may not even be successful, as just calling a locksmith and taking the Idiot Tax.
$165 for 5 mins lockpicking because I AM TOO BUSY TO PAY ATTENTION TO MY OWN LIFE. And I'm inside by 4.45pm. (That's a loss of 2 hours)
I've paid the tax and will now be halving my week commitments till my headspace is calmer. The annoying thing is I was in the *middle of the plan* to be in a calmer headspace in any case.
I fucking hate being this stupid.
(Choc mousse is now finally setting in the fridge).
- Idiot Out.