July 28th, 2008

Willow

Things are being thrown at me from every direction

Hmmm ... bunch of random stuff. Got a lot in my head but just got thrown a complete curve ball at work - unimpressed.

So .. can anyone tell me about the Tor community thing? What's it all about? Are you on it? etc etc

If I have a cassette tape that recorded a conversation between two people but the sound was wayyyy down, is there any way that I can reconstruct it to improve the sound quality?

More later ...
Willow

Cancer is a c*&t

I think maybe I need to make an explanatory post on the subject heading. Personally I find the word highly offensive and probably will never really reclaim it. The word *is* highly offensive. But I think people who are unfamiliar with Paul Haines are reacting to it and not realising it's kind of an in-joke.

The word is offensive.

That's kinda the point.

Paul Haines is offensive.

Paul Haines' use of the word is offensive. If you need any further persuasion, pick up and reading ANYTHING the man has ever written. I challenge you to then not need to wash out your brain and take a good long hot soapy shower. And have a small cry on your mother's shoulder.

I personally hate the use of the word. And Paul's use of the word. Its use in this campaign is our solidarity to Paul. My use of it is to show him that my love for him is greater than the rest of it. Afterall, it is just a word. Words, themselves, never actually harmed anyone.
Willow

Not the curve ball

My contract just got extended. That's cool - means I don't have to think *immediately* about ... things. Have another bigger post to make about ... that. But curve ball has to go get dealt with now.

Just back from yoga with the instructor every one raves about. Was an amazing session, I can see what they all mean. I still do very much love yoga. I love the precision and the subtlety of it. I love that it can be an incredible work out. And I love that my flexibility has greatly increased as well as my strength and how much more "open" my body feels.
Willow

On things

Curve ball is on one hour hiatus.

So I was thinking today in yoga about the whole life changing thing. The whole getting yourself off the wellbeaten track that you hate, out of the rut and onto a path you prefer to walk, or how to go about being the person you more want to be. I guess I was thinking that in a lot of ways, I've been quite successful at doing that for a lot of aspects of my life - at least at getting the catalyst to this change going.

Personal health-wise, I've started to notice the increase in fitness, personal strength and body toning. It's taken 7 months but it hasn't been some enormous change in lifestyle or some massive diet or whatever. It's been more about slowly addressing things I don't like and slowly implementing solutions. I definitely *feel* different - I feel on the way to how I used to feel when I was very fit and my body was in shape. I feel enough on the way to that, that that alone helps spur me on. See, now I am in the easier stage. The hardest bit was starting in the first place and forcing myself along when no progress could be seen and it just seemed like no matter how hard I worked, nothing changed.

It's always hard to put in effort to change direction - like getting out of bed early on a cold morning. Or taking off your tracky pants to put on work out gear. Or giving up the piece of cake or icecream that you settle in with to watch your regular TV show on a Tuesday night. Or going out alone after you've been a couple for years on end. Or .. whatever. Change is hard. *Making* the change is harder.

But there are still aspects of my life that I haven't touched yet. And they remain dormant. They taunt me and make me feel guilty and bad. And that makes it harder to even look at them enough to want to think about how to go about changing them. But, if I want to be properly on the path I want to be on ... at some point, I have to address these. And that's what I was thinking about in yoga today. That, and how stiff my back is today.

So what the heck am I talking about anyway??

I don't feel particularly driven by my day job. I'm not sure why but it's just not something I have felt passionate about for a long time. Yet, at its core this is something that I am deeply and truly passionate about, in life. I worry a bit because I am not cut throat at the moment about going about getting promotions or climbing up the ladder or any of that stuff. I'm not even permanent and have been on this stupid contract rollover thing for several years now. And I worry about where this is all going and what kind of direction I am pointing myself in. Am I going anywhere at all? Do I *want* to be going somewhere? All that jazz. And in so many other aspects of my life, I am *deeply* driven. I have plans. I work out ways to achieve these and then I go out and do so. Why do I not do that with this???

Whilst I was away, I had two really good long chats with D about the above. And about how that meshes in with life plans. And what was really interesting (I bet he is a kickass thesis supervisor) is that what we discussed kind of turned the above on its head. That what I can do is think about where *I* want to be in a certain number of years time and plot out how I am going to get there. And, I dunno, it was really a weird trip in thinking differently about all of this. Like, maybe I don't so much have to think about job titles and tasks and so on but more about pay and lifestyle and time commitments etc. It's not a big revelation that I want to have kids in the next little while and that maybe what I should be doing is being more creative in how I want to figure out how to do ALL of it (this IS *me*) at once. By then. It was really cool. We talked about it and I guess he was suggesting a goal of about by 2010 having worked out where I want to leap out to and what kind of conditions I want to demand by then and how I go about being a person who can demand that kind of stuff. And if I was doing that for some greater plan, and not just for *me*, I think I would be cool about doing that. And of course all of this involves me actually finishing the dreaded "P" word. (He *is* an academic after all - he was always going to argue that point).

It's an interesting proposition.

It leads into the next question which is ... why can't I tidy up and organise my study? The rest of my house has been kinda sorted, still have the kitchen to finish, but basically I'm moved in. Except for in the study. I don't even have the desktop set up in there. It's been a disorganised mess for 8 months now and everytime I go in there to even start the task I just can't. I stand around and look helpess. I don't know where to start. And I don't know why I don't know where to start. I love to organise and sort things out normally. And I think in truth it's kind of a chicken and egg scenario. I don't want to sort out my study cause I have to face the PhD question and I can't face the Phd question till I sort out my study.

So those are two big aspects still waiting to be sorted out. I guess three if you count the career too. And there are lots of bits of TPP projects and to do lists that I think kind of fall into the same pigeon hole. Maybe just in a guilt by association kind of way.

Anyway ... vague look at what is going on in my head today.

Still to come - I almost got totalled on the freeway this morning. Gotta go do the curve ball thing now.
Willow

Is he saying *we're* naive?

From http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,24087891-5013865,00.html

"Anything is possible. There are a lot of raised eyebrows - even more so now. I know very few people here, friends in law enforcement, that buy this story like the rest of the world has," she said.

Lt Col Ryan confirmed claims that Fossett was cheating on wife Peggy and suggested he might have faked his death to avoid a multi-million divorce settlement if she had ever found out.

"I've been doing this search and rescue for 14 years. Fossett should have been found," she said.

"It's not like we didn't have our eyes open. We found six other planes while we were looking for him. We're pretty good at what we do."

She also questioned Fossett's financial security, his choice of a light aeroplane for the trip and why he left his global positioning system watch at home for the flight.



Hang on a second. Firstly, *they're* pretty good at this search and rescue but whilst looking for Fossett they found SIX other planes???

And ... if Fossett was so worried about a multi-million dollar divorce settlement, why would death or faking his death be a better solution? Surely ALL his money now goes to his wife instead of at best HALF if he filed for divorce and just didn't contest the agreement? Surely now he has nothing?
Willow

Breaking Dawn

So apparently the release date for Breaking Dawn is Monday August 5 in Australia.

If you go here: http://twilightaustralia.net/bd.html, you can find out what launch parties etc are being organised in your city.

Apparently in Perth there is something at Borders in the city from 4.30 to 7pm. Not sure how that really grabs me, to be honest.

editormum and I are vaguely thinking about organising something online. I'll firm up the plans tonight for that and blog again to let you know where you can find us. I'm thinking this is going to be a bit like the final volume of Harry Potter. Course in that case, I prepared in advance, had read the previous 6 volumes and was only competing with cassiphone (and only lost by what 10 or 18 hours or something?). In this case, I actually have another 80 pages to go of Volume 2 and all of Volume 3. If I didn't do anything else this week but read these, I'd be ready. (And we all know that's exceedingly unlikely to happen).

Willow

grumble

I knew eventually this would catch up with me. It seems I am rostered on 3 times in Aug for Sea Rescue AND one of the shifts is me, "Hot Guy" and one other person plus skipper. There'll be no avoiding him. Aw-kward. Yeah apparently his quitting was only a couple of months till ... August. That should be a fun shift. Not.
Willow

grr

Am supposed to be doing a million things right now. Mostly I am supposed to be running through a talk I have to give on Weds but I just can't seem to muster the energy. Am also supposed to be cleaning up the kitchen and doing paperworky things.

Am doing none of these things.

Turns out I had about 180 pp left of New Moon to go. I hopped into the bath for 20 minutes to read a bit of it and got out 1 hour and 10 mins later. And now I'm back to having 80 pages to go. Why do I think I can get this done??? I'm still loving the random comments like - "Edward grabbed me by the wrists and it felt like ice in the middle of winter" and "my teeth chattered as he wrapped his cold, dead arms around me". Love it!!! That's NOTHING like what it's supposed to be like - cracks me up!! Love it.

Warning. Vague plot spoilers in comments.

Willow

grr 2

Quite clearly I intend to wing the talk on the day.

I think I should just quit worrying about my lack of preparing for it, since I don't actually intend to, like, prepare for it.

Willow

Last post before bed

The boy thinks I should just act like nothing happened wrt "hot guy". And really, I need to drop that nickname anyway - he's not that hot. He was just tall. And towards the end of the time I saw him at meetings, he didn't shave, he wore thongs and ripped flannel shorts and he was kinda putting on weight. He was more like ... rebound crush guy. And when you're rebounding ... *anything* looks hot to you. I think acting like nothing happened is the best course of action. And also maybe, responding to every single remark with ... "well my boyfriend thinks/does/has ... that'll get the message across. *smirk* (I'm not really going to do that.)

But it reminds of this time in high school - I think it was year 11 - for our school dance. I *finally* got up the courage to call this guy who I had been crushing on for *years* and ask him to the dance. So I call him up, and I ask him if he'll go with me as my date, and he tells me that actually there is this other girl he'd much prefer to go with and he wanted to ask her first, *but*, if she said no, then he would totally go with me. He knew that I liked him. He was a total nerd. In Uni (cause he did the same discipline as me but was a year ahead), my friends called him "Trackydack Guy". In Uni, I was cool and he was not - I was in the 15% gender minority. And ... well .. guess he never read his fairytales!!!

Anyway ... so there I was absolutely heartbroken cause who wants to hear that you're second best? And my mother tells me I should ask someone else to go right away and forget about nerdo (trackydack guy as he would become). And so, I did call someone else, that very night, and asked him to go with me. And he said he totally would and he was a very lovely and fun date, in the end. But I remember at lunch the very next day after all of this, one of my friends mentions who I am going to the dance with, in front of my crush, and the look on his face was priceless. I hope I gave him my eyebrow raise in gesture to mean ... as if I would wait to see when she tells you no. I can't even remember what she said in the end. Anyway ... as all stories go ... she was a total skank in the end. Went out with this other guy in my grade, was totally out of nerdo's lead anyway.

Ahh good times, eh?