August 6th, 2008

Willow

Eureka Moment?

Was just chatting with the lady at CSIRO canteen (they make much better coffee) and I just had a wake up call - What the fuck am I doing with my life? And I don't mean that in a oh-I-really-liked-a-boy-and-he-didn't-like-me-back-that-way-and-now-I'm-not-going-anywhere-in-life kind of way.

I feel less sad today and am a bit sad about that. But also, I think it shows me that everything that I worked on this year was real, and foundation building and purposeful and lasting. I don't have to have the world crumble just because I got my heart broken. I don't have to crumple into a heap and berate and beat myself for a couple of months just because it didn't work out. I don't have to break in order to give what it was, to me, meaning. I can be sad. I can wish it wasn't this way. But I also can see that I really did build something here - a life, my life. That I love. And that this wonderful life will go on and does go on. It's full and it's got so much love in it that it blocks out the sun. It's got so much work in it that there's more than enough to go on with. It's just as busy and buzzing as much as it was last week. There's someone missing and he is very missed. But maybe we will be friends and he will be back in my life again soon. There are lots of sunny days and blue skies ahead. (How's that for progress?)

The tough bit is saying the above (that I am not broken) and not letting that take away from what the whole experience was for me - so positive. So amazing and mindblowing and wonderful. And as satyapriya commented, now I have had a taste of what I want and I can add that to my list. And I think, I may be wrong, but really beautiful relationships end and if they were truly beautiful, they don't fuck you over on the way out? And ... I believe in destiny. So I'm going to surrender to the serenity and give my love life up to the Universe. It's not something I can control and so ... I'm going to let go on worrying about it. What will be, will be. (Possibly more progress)

Anyway, back to - what the fuck am I doing with my life? I mean the rest of my life. Seriously. What the fuck *am* I doing? I'm on 6 month rolling contracts in a job I'm not that passionate about, doing work I don't really believe in and am not actually nurturing any kind of long term career path in it. And don't necessarily want that anyway. I'm squandering a bunch of other opportunities. I've had a bunch of ideas about what I really want to do in life and ... I've kind of seen a glimmer of something ... and I just haven't yet gotten into really pursuing it. I learned a lot about myself in the last two months - saw aspects of myself that I didn't really expect to be there (I'll get round to blogging that at some point) and ... I'm kind of interested to see what I could do with that - if I actually put my mind to it. So ... yeah. What the fuck am I doing? This is not what I *should* be doing anyway.

So I guess this morning I kind of had my Eureka moment - or the Universe kicked me in the arse. I have a lot to get on with here. Just one or two mountains to move. Stay tuned.

And sort of following on from that. A while ago - ooh just before I met the boy, in fact - I did this experiment of sorts. I bought a six month astrological reading from an astrologer that I kind of think has a bit of cred (with me, if that's worth anything) just to see what he'd be like. It's got specific dates across the six months so ... he either calls it right or he doesn't. I thought I'd see how he went. And if you were wondering, August 3 through 6 was a very significant time in which major changes were taking place. So, I am navigating from that point cause he kind of got that right (it's a whole paragraph and I'm not going to paraphrase here except to say that he kind of nailed it). Anyway ... apparently later this month, I am going to have a Big Idea - the "kind of idea that people will refer back to later on as the idea that changed everything". Pressure much? Am kind of intrigued to see what that will be. Aren't you? At the moment there is not too much going on in my head at all. I hope the idea isn't something like: ooh here is a better way to store my spare toilet paper rolls.

Willow

That said

I've been crafting a bit over the weekend after a very long break and will probably be crafting again tonight. I'm starting to feel like I craft in place of ... [other things - boys, relationships, love?] Am I saying that I comfort craft? I kinda don't like the message.

I have hardly crafted at all in the last two months - being with the boy was pretty timesucking in the first couple of weeks and I remember feeling zombified from lack of sleep when I was not actually with him (Oh that's sad - I remember those days of six hour long conversations!) and then I was away and took reading only. And then I didn't have too much time to craft when I came back either.

And now ... it's like, if I don't have other things to distract me, I craft. And I like to craft. I don't want it to be my ... comfort/replacement thing. Although, of course, it's very comforting and creative and inspiring and expressive. And fun. And maybe it's more that I just don't always have time for it?

Ugh.

Anyway. Just random thoughts, I spose.
Willow

Sea Rescue

Just got my reply - I have resigned, although they are happy for me to come back if I want to in a couple of months time.

I thought I would feel ... something? Maybe I'm mostly numb at the moment, in general. But I thought I would feel relief? I did it to free up time on the weekends for hanging with friends and for Twelfth Planet Press and for, shock horror, thesis completion. So I guess 2 out of those 3 things are work and maybe less fun?

But I should feel something? Maybe all the ties with the ex were all cut. Maybe I'm just tidying up and putting out the trash? Heh. Quite like that actually. And really, it did just feel like some bizarre, misplaced leftover something or other, totally unrelated to me and my life.

Willow

hee

This morning I got a text message from punkrocker1991 asking me if I had got my lunch packed!

Heh. I think after last night's discussion they have decided I might need some closer parental supervision!

It's nice though that my phone keeps buzzing with messages - I think if it were silent, the withdrawal of no messages from the boy would be far more painful.
Willow

Paris for President?

*giggles*

From http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,24136440-5012572,00.html
The blonde socialite responded to Republican candidate John McCain's controversial use of her image in a campaign television spot last week with a satirical ad of her own posted on the website Funnyordie.com.

In the ad, the 27-year-old appears reclining on a sun lounger beside a swimming pool, dressed only in a skimpy leopard-print bathing costume.

"Hey America, I'm Paris Hilton and I'm a celebrity too," she declares. "Only I'm not from the olden days and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot.

"But then that wrinkly white-haired guy used me in his campaign ad, which I guess means I'm running for president. So thanks for the endorsement white-haired dude, and I want America to know I'm, like, totally ready to lead."

Hilton then offers an alternative US energy strategy, suggesting that she plans to combine elements from Senator McCain and Democratic rival Barack Obama.

"We can do limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars. ... Energy crisis solved, I'll see you at the debates, bitches!"

Hilton then signs off by declaring that she is now mulling her choices for vice-president.

"I'm thinking Rihanna," she said, referring to the singer-songwriter.


ROTFL

I think my favourite bit, and I am totally stealing it and making it my own is: see you at the debates, bitches. OMG I love that so much.
Willow

Ticonderoga Publications joins the Paul Haines Fund

Ticonderoga Publications is joining in the effort to raise funds for Paul Haines.

Ticonderoga will donate $10 from the sale of each of its titles sold in August through its online store:
http://www.ticonderogapublications.com/catalog/

Ticonderoga Publications has not set a limit on its donation.

More info on Paul's fund can be found here:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=18903889077

Ticonderoga Publications titles include:

Fantastic Wonder Stories
Winner Aurealis Awards 2007: "A Scar for Leida", Deborah Biancotti, Best Young Adult Short Story

Nominated for 2 Ditmar Awards: "A Scar for Leida", Deborah Biancotti, Best Short Story and Best Collected Work

Nominated for the Australian Shadows Award: "There Was Darkness", Martin Livings

Nominated for 5 Aurealis Awards:
"Lonely as life", Simon Brown, Best Science Fiction Short Story
"Arctica", Cat Sparks, Best Science Fiction Short Story
"A Scar for Leida", Deborah Biancotti, Best Young Adult Short Story
"Yamabushi Kaidan and the Smoke Dragon", Shane Jiraiya Cummings, Best Young Adult Short Story
"Cast Off", Tracey Rolfe, Best Young Adult Short Story

Workers Paradise

Nominated for 2 Ditmar Awards: "His Lipstick Minx", Kaaron Warren, Best Short Story and Best Collected Work

Troy

Ten stories. One legend.
Diomedes, Paris, Helen, Achilles, Agamemnon, Cassandra and Odysseus all feature in this collection of Simon Brown's acclaimed "Troy stories". Since the early 1980s Simon Brown has engaged readers with a series of alternate takes on the Trojan War. "Love and Paris", "Imagining Ajax", "Why My Wife Left Me, and Other Stories, by Diomedes" and the brilliant "The Masque of Agamemnon" are collected here for the first time, alongside lesser known tales and the original novella, "The cup of Nestor".

Magic Dirt
Over 132,000 words of the best fiction by best-selling writer Sean Williams.

Shards
A collection of short fiction written by Shane Jiraiya Cummings, with each story illustrated by Andrew McKiernan.

Love in Vain
Lewis Shiner's acclaimed collection, featuring the best stories by the World Fantasy Award-winning writer. This edition includes two stories previously uncollected in the sold out Subterranean Press edition.
Willow

Afternoon

I don't believe in coincidences. Several people have reminded me today, either verbally or through interacting with them, that my goal is to be happy. And so ... I am going to keep focussing on that.

I think I might be jetlagged or something. I had breakfast at 11.30 and am now sitting down and eating my lunch (Hi Russell!). Off in about an hour to do a long walk with my Trainer. Um, I think I really am doing the City to Surf at the end of the month - weird!!! And possibly painful.

And I have to bake a cake tonight for morning tea at work on Friday. Morning tea is one of my highlights at work - that's not good!

And I think I might know what that Big Idea for the end of the month might be.
It's gonna take the whole month to work on it, in any case.
Willow

Tonight

Went for a long, 10km, walk with my trainer. She did it as a friend and not work, which was really lovely. And I loved chatting with her but she's just starting out on the RSVP gig and I dunno, it was all just really hard to hear. I know it means I've still got healing and grieving and whatever left to go. But ... it was tough. And the thought of having to get back out there is just horrifying right now - it's not nothing to put yourself out there and have you noticed people who tell you to never actually have to do it themselves? It's not nothing to risk everything with totally new people. And it's not nothing to stand naked emotionally and intellectually and physically in front of someone new, with no guarantee of anything. Even when things look good, there's no guarantee. And taking the risk is not nothing, to have to do.

And I'm not sure the endorphins ever kicked in.

And I must be jetlagged, cause the sad did just kick in.
Willow

The Universe loves you in its own special way

Heh, someone today was teasing me that I wasn't a very good seer. My forethought two weeks ago, though, proves her very wrong. I am very glad to say that I bought two of something then and I desperately needed the second one tonight. OOh that's mysterious! And now I need to go get me a hot pack.

The very lovely mynxi called me and let me cry down the phone to her till I wasn't crying anymore. And then she made me laugh.

Some thoughts I have today:

Just because you are deserving of something is no guarantee that you will get it.

Chalking up good karma is also no guarantee that you will get to cash it in - it doesn't work that way and it's not why you do good things.

It hurts pretty much the same when a relationship ends, regardless of how good or bad it, itself, was. And there should be a kickback or a refund for that. But there isn't.

Also, I am surrounded by the most amazing people who abound with endless love, forgiveness, wisdom and patience. And I am every day a better person because they are in my life. And I don't think I listen half as much as I should nor ask for help or advice half as much as I should. And I'm listening very carefully right now and I am hearing something very quietly that is very very interesting.

See you at the debates, bitches!