August 23rd, 2008

Willow

In the harsh light of day...

... and with a hangover - why must the sky insist on being so damn bright? Ow!

Okay. So. I have decided to take back my blog. I'm not going to skulk around and not post stuff here and I'm not going to lock posts about the boy either. I spoke to him last night and there is nothing I will be saying here that I didn't say to him, or that we didn't discuss, or that he doesn't know. It's all out in the brutal open, which frankly, is where things should always be.

Furthermore, I haven't posted at all here about what's been going on cause I knew what y'all would say and I didn't really want to hear it. And because it's all felt so horribly raw that I couldn't bring myself to think it through and type it out. And people who I see in the flesh can attest that they too didn't really get the full story probably till yesterday anyway.

It's nothing remotely interesting, really. Stuff happened this week and by the end of it, I came to the realisation (in the way that an axe comes to be embedded in the side of your head) that I can't be friends with the boy when I am still hoping that we will get back together. It turns out, that phrase? If you love something set it free? Means you can't just say you have set it free and act so it believes you have set it free. You have to *actually* set it free. In your heart. You have to *let go*. I have to *let go*. And I wasn't doing that. I didn't want to do that. But that puts us, as friends, and me, as a functioning person, at an impasse. And much as that's really nice to be able to put feeling sad on hold, it's just delaying the inevitable. On top of that, he hasn't been clear or fair in the way he has been acting. That's not really my problem but, it turns out, that that's no longer okay with me. And that, I can't be near him till he has that sorted out.

When I look back on everything, I don't really regret any of it, or anything I did or said or felt or acted. I was open and honest and I gave my heart freely and completely. The thing is, it leaves me only feeling sad - I don't have regret, or anger or shame or guilt or any of the bad feelings. I think I walked away with dignity and integrity. And forgiveness and love are in my heart. So that means that the only emotion I have to feel is "sad". And I don't really know what to do with that. And that, I guess, was the meltdown of yesterday. Because I know what to do with all the negative and bad feelings. I have a whole heap of ways to punish myself and make myself feel "better" down that path. But ... I don't need to be punished here. And there's no way to take control of "sad" either. It just is. It sits and weighs down on your heart and it engulfs you. And all you can do is surrender to it, feel it and hopefully work your way through it. And I hate that I can't take control of that.

So, I am sad. And that's okay. I have to give up what I wanted, and that's sad too. But that's also okay. And I guess I am sorry that all I have is to sit and cry and feel this. I can see it hurting those who are helping to pick up the pieces and I want to say that it's okay. But ... I hurt. You know? And I'm not broken. I don't need to be fixed. And I'll be okay. It's just probably that there's nothing *I* can do and there's nothing *you* can do either. It just is. Until it isn't anymore.
Willow

Follow on

I don't know why this has to go in its own post but there you are.

I've asked for some space with the boy before we try to be friends again. So I've asked him to call me at the end of September. And that has helped, I must admit.

And then I was at editormum's last night (and how come she doesn't have a hangover when she drank more wine than me?) and we talked. And cried. But she pointed out a bunch of things. And really, I am proud to know that I am not the same person I was 12 months ago. I am much stronger and more resilient. And maybe more worldly. It wasn't hard to do and say a lot of the things I did and said this week because I already know what happens in the alternative. And those things actually hurt you more and worse. And I don't have to do that anymore. And as editormum said, I have walked a pretty amazing journey this last year. Standing here proves it. And that is pretty cool. And awesome. I did that and I didn't think I could when I set out. So really, I don't know what the future holds or where I will be on the journey in 12 more months time. But I guess I am excited about the possibilities.

And I'm not going to focus on the end of September. It will be nice if/when he calls and I want to be friends and I look forward to having moved on by then in order to be able to be so. And so ... I need to focus on something. And so ... I am thinking about going to Conflux. I need to see what kind of backpay is coming my way but if I can swing it, I think I will. And maybe I will come home via Melbourne and get me some Melbournian hugs too. I'll also need to see what annual leave I can find. And so that would mean a bunch of things to focus on to get done by Conflux and that's I think what I just might do.
Willow

Tired

Methinks my head is still going to hurt tomorrow. I had a good day though.

I've been meaning to sit down and write a post about my yearly round up - what's that? It's only August, you say? Yes well ... the Jewish year is about to wind up and oddly I seem to get all retrospective in September. Anyway, my summary of this year is basically going to come down to friends. This last year has been unbelievably fulfilling and rewarding because of the friendships I have formed, strengthened and explored. I've found myself spending so much more time with other people, and taken so much less personal time in any average week, compared to how I have spent many of the last recent years. And there's a ton of things that this has added to my life - all for a different post. But as I drove home just now, I was thinking how actually the people in my life are my safety net. I know they (including you) have my back covered and it's because of that feeling of safety and security that I take leaps out into the unknown. And the scary.

That's a pretty amazing feeling to experience.

So, this morning I woke up after about 4 hours sleep to squealing and kids chasing each other round the house. And editormum had coffee and pancakes to quickly follow. How she does that kind of stuff, I have no idea! She even put chocolate sprinkles on my coffee!! We did have a brief chat about small press - had to happen. And then I was off on my way home.

Then I did something odd and crazy(it's part of something new I am working on/exploring). It seems, a really good time to get a personal and sensitive place (not that personal) waxed for the very first time is in the middle of a heartbreak. Compared to a heavy pain in your heart, what's the pain of ripping out hairs one by one by hot wax? Nothing, I can report! Ha! I laugh.

(ooh!!! Tai Kwan Do just went crazy!!! The Cuban competitor just kicked the referee!!! )

Back home for some tidying up of my study and I wrote my to do list of stuff to complete before Conflux. Yes it's long. Yes it's probably ridiculous.

Next was an Enjo party at a friend from work's place. I actually had a really good time. She made chocolate spiders with peppermints especially for me (and put the peanut ones on a whole separate plate). I dunno how convinced I am by the whole shebang but kathrynlinge seems very happy with the body mitt so I got one of those. And I'm gonna try some basic kitchen cloths. I dunno. I *like* my chemicals. It would be a big leap off the OCD train for me to go chemical free. I'll see how I go. The stuff I bought from the last party have been kept in the cupboard ever since. But I'm gonna give it a go this time.

Rushed home to pick up transcendancing and check email and grab wine and then headed off to cheshirenoir and callistra for a gorgeous dinner of homemade pasta with creamy sundried tomatao sauce and chocolate and raspberry cheesecake. I got the slice with the most calories cause apparently that helps with sad (?). Dunno about that but it was quite very delicious!! Stayed a long time and had some excellent chats about all sorts of caper. (stuff to think about and blog when thoughts are more complete) And then home for sleep.

I feel very taken care of and loved. And that's pretty cool. I'm still sad and I'm also quite hurt by stuff. I'm worried that filling my days with so much and so many people who challenge me and make me laugh and think and inspire me, will get in the way of me dealing. (Am I there yet?) That's probably crazy - most of the stuff in my head most of the time is. But that's something I worry about.

Sleep now.