August 24th, 2008


Sunday - kind of a lazy day

I feel hungover again. I think this time it's probably not enough hydration and sleep.

Woke up early and headed off to meet some work friends for brunch in Freo. That's like the fourth time I think I have driven south down the freeway this weekend. Why do so many of my friends live south of the river??? Had kind of my second Sex and the City type thang this week - and different group of friends. Yay. The annoying thing is I've had the chance to talk with about 9 or 10 of my closest friends in the last couple of days and they all are in perfect agreement and give the same advice. grrr. Still, it's not like I don't know this all in my heart of hearts anyway. We're making brunch a thing with the four of us so that should be lots of future Sundays of fun ahead.

And then J took me on a tour of some of the organic stores she likes down that way. I kinda feel like I've had a bit of a hippie weekend this weekend. I bought myself some organic coffee beans and eggs and various other things. Then I cranked up the music on the way home and rapped loudly along with Cyprus Hill and caught the new song by Ben Folds and Regina Spektor (which I love!).

I feel like this weekend has been filled with food for my soul. I definitely feel positive and upbeat along with the rest. I've had the great chance to be able to sit down and just talk with a bunch of cool people. Had the opportunity to look at things from all sorts of different angles. And had people share their own stories with me. I love hearing other people's stories. They are always so unique and I love that because that means that there's nothing wrong with *my* story. And it's just that it's mine and I'm in the middle of it, is all. And you never really know where it's going anyway. I guess, for me, I'm struggling a little bit with the fact that when you're in the middle of something, you don't yet know where you're going. And you have to faith, I guess, that it's going to all end up okay in the end. Later on, you get to have perspective when you analyse this because you get the advantage of hindsight. I guess in a way, I feel like I am stumbling along in the dark. And I don't like feeling the discomfort in that. I guess, I am a control freak.

The other great thing I've been able to do is sit with people who know me, have been here following this whole story of mine for a while and (still) love me. And are in my corner barracking for me. No matter what. And that means, on the one hand that I have to 'fess up a bunch of stuff about myself which is always ... I dunno. Good because then I don't have to feel like I am in this alone but then on the other hand, the closer I get to people and the more I open up, the less I can hide. Which I 'spose is funny since what I write here is pretty personal and open. It's just ... there's lots of levels of openness. And there's lots of stuff about me that I am still only gradually getting to and exploring - or taking out into the sunlight.

I guess I thought that once I dealt with all the big stuff I had to deal with on the way out of that dark place, I'd be good? I dunno. I never really thought about the fact that once I started peeling back the layers, there'd be other layers underneath to look at, deal with and peel back and find yet more layers. Seems kinda naive now not to have realised it would be an ongoing process. Still, in a way, I'm also glad about that. Imagine if I had peeled back layers and looked underneath and found ... nothing.

So it's been a couple of weeks in the evolving of the realisation but I can no longer ignore it since it's now staring me in the face and blaring it's warning sirens. I'm really good at self harm. And I use that term in a really broad sense. And to cover a whole bunch of things. But I think I am good at it because I am really good at self sabotage. See, at the heart of it, I think that I think that if *I* make it fail, then at least I know that's why I/it failed. Because failure for no good reason (at whatever) is much harder to deal with. Or failure because you just weren't good enough? Even worse. Far better to be the controller of your own failure. And maybe that's why I always look to find a reason why ... or a way to be at fault ... or a need to be punished.

Course ... what if there was another option? What if I succeeded instead of failed? What if I was happy instead of ... empty, sad, lonely, depressed, angry ...?

What am I so afraid of? What do I think will happen if ...

This is where I am at.

Nearly the end of the weekend ... already!

Thinking of callistra and cheshirenoir today - hope things settle down soon! Also thinking of tallaudrey - sending you much love. And to dalekboy - mazal tov on your bubby!

editormum and clan just sailed through this afternoon, with blue cake!! And she walked in the door and totally noticed that I was working in my study! Because, why yes! I have finally hit the switch over into that room being nicer and better set up for work than the couch. Yay. Still a way to come, but progress!

I feel like I got in trouble lots this weekend from various Mums!! Well my Mum didn't yell at me, even though she did check in on me Saturday night and this arvo! But yeah .. bunch of other mums telling me what to not do. And punkrocker1991 reckons I am *almost* ready for my own puppy. editormum is probably less convinced after me suggesting that I thought she hadn't come to the phone Friday night because she was "putting away her children".

Part of my problem is in the voicing aloud of thoughts in my head. It's something I am trying to do more of cause ... things can get a bit mixed up in there some times. So this afternoon editormum and I were talking about why you do and don't do particular tasks. And I mentioned the fact that I had been trying all day to rationalise my fiction books. I kinda think I am storing a lot of filler that I don't need - either cause I am probably never going to read them, or don't really need to keep them. And I have an enormous to read pile, which includes a ton of borrowed books. Well, she is a teacher librarian so I shouldn't really be so shocked by her response to my not returning borrowed books as promptly as I should. I also think there are some friends you have where they have stuff of yours and you have stuff of theirs and you all know where it is, if you need it. And if you're gonna be friends forever, it's not all that much of a drama. Is it? Well, she disagees but there you are.

Anyway, one of the reasons I think I can't cull the books is because I am worried that then I will have less books. Which, sure, looks ridiculous when you write that down or say it aloud and is of course, the point of the exercise. But ... I don't have *that* many books now. And it's true that yes, there are ton of other books I could spend my time reading if I drew a line on the current stash, chucked out what I am never going to read, return borrowed books and whatever. And yes, I do get free books in the door every day. It's likely that it won't take long for me to fill in any cleared space. But there you are. That's my roadblock on this task. I have been told, though, in no uncertain terms that I am to start being tough and getting rid of filler and borrowed books I am never going to read. Sigh. I think I'll start that tomorrow.

Tonight though is the end of the Olympics. So sad! But glad to be done with the stupid Channel Seven coverage. My highlight I think was the Jamaican sprint team. And Bolt - we wondered I spose what could ever trump Phelps and I LOVE that track is so much more dramatic and full of showmanship - I can't get enough. Plus! 3 Gold and 3 World Records!! Woohoo!

Art that Scares You

Only 4 days of bidding time left over at artscaresyou. Go check out what you might miss out on if you don't join in and bid!

Big congrats to cassiphone who has done an amazing job running this project!

We have currently totalled
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Bye Bye Olympics

Have been vaguely watching the Closing Ceremony and the summary highlights show beforehand and listening to the mindless drivel of the commentators. And it occurs to me that I have very little shared memories of Beijing with these commentators - listening to their highlights and their experiences, I realised that I have only been allowed a glimpse, to peer in over their shoulder to see the Games. I've watched a heck of a lot of the coverage but pretty much all of it felt like snippets - of games, matches, events. And not even necessarily the best bits, just ... bits and pieces.

And watching the summary where whatsherface sat in that chair and asked each of the Channel Seven commentators what their highlights of the games were, I was thinking ... wow, that sounds like it was really great. Wish I'd seen it.

Once upon a time, TV and journalism was about bringing world events into the homes and armchairs of those of us who couldn't be there to see it with our own eyes. Somewhere in this last decade, reality tv has taken hold and now it's about watching other people experience things and having them tell us what it was like, when they did/saw it. It's like we've delegated the armchair watching to the reporters and now they give us the highlights of what we would have enjoyed, if we'd been there.

Channel Seven, you let us down. I hope you get outbid for London 2012.