So I had counselling last night. And like, it was a good session. I kinda feel like I am running out of things to say, actually. That's probably more a good thing than a bad, I assume. And I'm not going to take this as some kind of negative thing, since it took me more than two years to actually run out of things to say. And I'm not saying I have actually run out of things just yet. Just sayin', that I might, soon ... ish.
Plus I was tired. And run down.
Anyway. Quit looking at me like that!
Yesterday's session though had me talking a bit about how I interact with others and a new way of viewing myself. I feel lately, and some key people will recognise this, as though I need to go around and make amends for bad behaviour - in a sort of Twelve Step Program kinda way. You know, acknowledge bad things I have done, own them and apologise. Turns out too, that I wreaked a bit of havoc there for a while, for which I now feel very shameful and bad about. It's not nice. And it's certainly not ladylike.
Now, I do tend to be harsh on myself. And I was in a very bad way there for a prolonged period of time. And it was kind of really really awful to live at an anxiety level of 11 out of 10 for months and months on end. It fucks with your head and your body. And it's really quite hellish. *Obviously* you are going to be incapable of relating to the world at large in any reasonable sense. But that doesn't really mean that the way you are received by the world at large is anything less than sucky. They may not know what's going on with you, and even if they did, I'm not sure that excuses bad/harsh/inconsiderate behaviour.
And like, sitting here on the other side of all of that (yay!) I can't go back and change or undo any of it. And feeling crappy about it doesn't change or undo it either. All that's really left is to own what I have done, apologise, attempt to make amends and perhaps be more charitable and understanding the next time someone behaves less than upstandingly towards me.
So that's one side of things. But the other is that, sitting here now and looking back at the kind of person I have been, as well as the kind of person I was before the dark period in my life ... I don't actually think I am a good friend. And I'm not typing this and posting it in order to get an influx of comments to reassure and validate me. I think this year I have found more friends and deepened so many relationships that it makes me wonder about the kind of friendships I thought I had - there are a few that have stood the test of time, some of you read this everyday, some don't - but aside from these, I'm not sure I really got the whole "friends" thing. And even those of you longterm friends, I still think that I am not the best friend I could be to you.
There's a bunch of specifics I mean when I say the above. And I'm still kind of working my way through them and it's probably different for each and every friend I have (and suggesting a spreadsheet and a list to my counsellor last night brought forth much mirth; and in any case it's a bit too much like Dexter ...). It's not that I don't think I have good qualities or that I don't offer things in friendships, it's more about things that don't occur to me to do or say or be or instigate and it's about what I can do *more* to be a *better* friend.
And I guess that comes from spending the best part of this year blown away by how many good and true friends I have and how much difference to your day and your life good friends make.
It's/I'm a work in progress. And that's okay too, I guess. It's all good.