October 14th, 2008



So I was a little worried last night because this burnout feels a lot like being depressed - tired and sleepy all the time and like it's a big effort to move my body. And further, I was in bed by 8.30 last night with the laptop - a really big deal thing that I used to do when depressed last night and justify it by feeling so physically exhausted (as I felt last night).

And I turned the lights out at 10pm and was asleep by 10.05.

Although ... it occurs to me that I got up at 7.30 this morning which is 30 mins to an hour earlier than usual, I've had a coffee and done some priority emailing. And I made breakfast for today last night as well as packed my lunch ahead of time. And that kind of organisation is surely not the work of a depressed person. *Hopefully* more rest and better eating and hydration will kick this tiredness to the curb.

(and I had counselling last night too, and seemed to be mentally fine according to her - that's a separate post for later)


Mantyhose? Yeah right

I do not know one man who would wear these (do I?)

"Mantyhose" are pantyhose for men, the latest in a string of men's fashion trends straight from the bizarre files. And everyone from truck drivers to cowboys are wearing them.

Self-confessed male hosiery-wearer Harisnya is so passionate about the issue he set up e-MANcipate, a website aiming to "accelerate the acceptance of male pantyhose as a regular clothing item".

"It's fun, but no joke," he said, and is adamant that both males and females should be allowed to wear the sexy sheer garment.

"Men have great legs and hosiery is a great way to show them. It's quite practical in some ways. It prevents chafing, for example, when horse riding or cycling, but it's also a good alternative to bulky underwear if you need some warmth.


Last Short Story

Slight glitch in the spreadsheet formulas...
Also, main mover and shaker is cassiphone and the power of the zero.

We've decided to put 2008 to bed on Dec 1 and start on 2009 reading then so ... I'm going to relook at what I *really* want to read and get to some more zeroing later on. My main regret about that is that my 2008 reading tally will come in at less than 2007 - but that seems like a really ridiculous reason to continue the pain, especially when I am missing out on good reading as a result.

To Read
Alisa: 901
Ben: 216
Tansy: 772
Alex: 858

Current total in Spreadsheet: 3200 (though I think Ben added stuff overnight)

ETA Just been through the spreadsheet to list all the stories I need to review over at the blog. And this revealed the reason behind my lack of enthusiasm for LSS this year:

In total, stories to review from the 1200 odd stories I've read this year: 12
Number of stories rated as a 5: 0

Grim stats indeed. Although the upside is number of Aussies in that 12: 4 (plus Scott Westerfeld)



Ooh something I was just reading reminded me that last night I dreamt that suddenly the house I was in had two spare rooms and I was standing in one which was really quite bare and was getting excited because that meant I could have one whole room just as a craft room.

Lately I have lost my crafting mojo. It's been sort of sad because I haven't really crafted manically since about May. I have been working on that hexagon quilt that I showed you all the prcut pieces to around the *cough* Olympics *cough*. But tack em as hard and fast as I am, they aren't really looking much more than hexagon pieces waiting for some kind of craft mojo to inspire them.


Confessions from the couch

So I had counselling last night. And like, it was a good session. I kinda feel like I am running out of things to say, actually. That's probably more a good thing than a bad, I assume. And I'm not going to take this as some kind of negative thing, since it took me more than two years to actually run out of things to say. And I'm not saying I have actually run out of things just yet. Just sayin', that I might, soon ... ish.

Plus I was tired. And run down.

Anyway. Quit looking at me like that!

Yesterday's session though had me talking a bit about how I interact with others and a new way of viewing myself. I feel lately, and some key people will recognise this, as though I need to go around and make amends for bad behaviour - in a sort of Twelve Step Program kinda way. You know, acknowledge bad things I have done, own them and apologise. Turns out too, that I wreaked a bit of havoc there for a while, for which I now feel very shameful and bad about. It's not nice. And it's certainly not ladylike.

Now, I do tend to be harsh on myself. And I was in a very bad way there for a prolonged period of time. And it was kind of really really awful to live at an anxiety level of 11 out of 10 for months and months on end. It fucks with your head and your body. And it's really quite hellish. *Obviously* you are going to be incapable of relating to the world at large in any reasonable sense. But that doesn't really mean that the way you are received by the world at large is anything less than sucky. They may not know what's going on with you, and even if they did, I'm not sure that excuses bad/harsh/inconsiderate behaviour.

And like, sitting here on the other side of all of that (yay!) I can't go back and change or undo any of it. And feeling crappy about it doesn't change or undo it either. All that's really left is to own what I have done, apologise, attempt to make amends and perhaps be more charitable and understanding the next time someone behaves less than upstandingly towards me.

So that's one side of things. But the other is that, sitting here now and looking back at the kind of person I have been, as well as the kind of person I was before the dark period in my life ... I don't actually think I am a good friend. And I'm not typing this and posting it in order to get an influx of comments to reassure and validate me. I think this year I have found more friends and deepened so many relationships that it makes me wonder about the kind of friendships I thought I had - there are a few that have stood the test of time, some of you read this everyday, some don't - but aside from these, I'm not sure I really got the whole "friends" thing. And even those of you longterm friends, I still think that I am not the best friend I could be to you.

There's a bunch of specifics I mean when I say the above. And I'm still kind of working my way through them and it's probably different for each and every friend I have (and suggesting a spreadsheet and a list to my counsellor last night brought forth much mirth; and in any case it's a bit too much like Dexter ...). It's not that I don't think I have good qualities or that I don't offer things in friendships, it's more about things that don't occur to me to do or say or be or instigate and it's about what I can do *more* to be a *better* friend.

And I guess that comes from spending the best part of this year blown away by how many good and true friends I have and how much difference to your day and your life good friends make.

It's/I'm a work in progress. And that's okay too, I guess. It's all good.