December 11th, 2008


Maybe I should just go back to bed

Apparently I look awful. I must do since every single person I have seen this morning has told me so. A_ said I was looking so well last week and now I look exhausted. Well... I'm utterly and truly shattered. I feel like a train has smacked through me. I don't feel sick, I feel ... stunned. And I am in half a mind to go home and go back to bed.

I must have done something wrong ... not eaten the right things or something. But I am too tired to figure it out.

ETA: M_ pointed out that maybe I got bitten at the field site yesterday and that yes, now that I remember it I did, on my hand. You're supposed to notice these things when they happen. Grrr .... Going home.

Not Dead

Figure if the spider had proper balls I would be so I'm not worried. Bite doesn't look nasty or anything. Feeling better.

And so? How are things with you?

To flock or not to flock? The answer of course is not. In the ongoing interests of being open and honest and because I already said all this stuff in person.

Well fuck, tonight I was right back in the same conversation with J as the last time. Except you can't break up with someone if you weren't actually with them to start with. He got off his chest how he'd been feeling - guilty and bad about, I guess, not feeling maybe how he should? - and that he just wants to be friends. Again.

I waited till he finished his whole thing and then I got the stuff off my chest. I was never ever going to initiate this conversation but that doesn't mean I couldn't see it coming. It was lit up with bright pink neon lights for heavens sake! So I told him the truth - that I love him and that I am in love with him, that I knew how he felt all along and that I wouldn't have done anything differently and I don't regret any of it. flinthart told me months ago to love freely who I want to love. And to not be afraid of that. And that's what I did. And I guess if you do that, you can't ever regret anything. Because your heart was open and you were open to experiencing life. Come good or bad.

I do though regret, I guess in retrospect, accepting a situation that I didn't like. accepting the less than my ideal. Of allowing it to mostly not be about me. Of often not feeling important enough or being allowed, again, to be a low priority on someone else's list. I've been sitting here for a couple of hours wondering why I just can't seem to learn whatever it is you need to know to navigate relationships - why mine never go the way I sincerely wish for them. I've been trying to work out where I go wrong, what's broken in me. But maybe the answer is that I accept being pushed down the list. That I always think, oh that's just now ... give it time, things are busy, eventually there will be space and time for me to be the centre of attention. Maybe I should look for being the focus of Mr Right's attention from the get go? Maybe that's what people mean about "timing"? That you need to come along someone just when they have the time to focus on you and not some major thing happening in their own life?

I dunno. I'm ok, really. I honestly saw this coming so I am not surprised. I went in eyes wide open and I am glad for it all. I learned a lot about love and loving. I definitely learned a lot about myself - learned how to be more patient, less dramatic -and that's never a waste. And certainly something to be grateful to the experience for. And much as I wish things were different, I think I found that there are some truly nice guys out there. I hope to find one in the emotional time and space to mesh with me. But ultimately, I have to be ok and happy with being alone. Because maybe there is no love story for me.