So, been hanging with Russ tonight. Made him watch the Discovery Health channel. He made me watch the Discovery "Science" channel (alien abductions). We had pizza. And dog lickage.
I thought I might try balancing my TPP books - well last time I got dumped I tried bikini waxing. Figured nothing could hurt as much as a broken heart. This time round I figured I couldn't be more bummed, why not quantify my debt number.
Didn't get to it though.
My usual process of dealing would be to make myself feel bad about it all but I don't really want to feel bad about it right now. I don't really want to mull it all over. I think I was honest to myself and I think I was there for the right reasons and I don't want to beat myself up over that. Worse than that, I feel so overwhelmingly touched by the comments, emails and texts and hugs. It's kinda hard to be down on yourself and beat yourself up when surrounded by such awesome people. I've been in tears this afternoon because of that more than anything. Such true, giving and caring people wouldn't hang around if I was so unworthy. So it's hard to feel that way. I think I always used to define myself by whether or not I had a partner and I think that was why this always meant so much to me. But take J away, and my life goes on much like before - mostly because he wasn't really present in it anyway. And I love my life. I am very happy in it. I like the person I am - who I am and what I do and mostly where my life is at right now. And I don't really feel devalued here. I feel sad. And I hate feeling sad. Oh fuck why am I back feeling sad again? But I don't feel devalued. And that is really cool.
And I heard my promotion is coming through finally.
So it doesn't all suck. Even if it's a bit sad right now.