December 12th, 2008


Light of day

Still ok. Promise.

Though the fact that my friends have been taking steps to close in around me is making me teary and feel very loved. I think I want to hide for a bit but I'm not really sure what that will mean since I'm already hiding at punkrocker1991's house tonight and editormum's on Sunday. Still, guaranteed to be happy if there are dogs and kids around.

Am in a very different place than the last two recent rounds of this. Is kind of weird. But also proof that I really have grown and changed. I am so much more than I was this time last year and really, I did ok then with it all, in the end. So I know I am going to be fine. Better than fine. I'm going to be awesome.

But I'm gonna take some time out I think. And be a bit selfish with it.

(no subject)

So, been hanging with Russ tonight. Made him watch the Discovery Health channel. He made me watch the Discovery "Science" channel (alien abductions). We had pizza. And dog lickage.

I thought I might try balancing my TPP books - well last time I got dumped I tried bikini waxing. Figured nothing could hurt as much as a broken heart. This time round I figured I couldn't be more bummed, why not quantify my debt number.

Didn't get to it though.

My usual process of dealing would be to make myself feel bad about it all but I don't really want to feel bad about it right now. I don't really want to mull it all over. I think I was honest to myself and I think I was there for the right reasons and I don't want to beat myself up over that. Worse than that, I feel so overwhelmingly touched by the comments, emails and texts and hugs. It's kinda hard to be down on yourself and beat yourself up when surrounded by such awesome people. I've been in tears this afternoon because of that more than anything. Such true, giving and caring people wouldn't hang around if I was so unworthy. So it's hard to feel that way. I think I always used to define myself by whether or not I had a partner and I think that was why this always meant so much to me. But take J away, and my life goes on much like before - mostly because he wasn't really present in it anyway. And I love my life. I am very happy in it. I like the person I am - who I am and what I do and mostly where my life is at right now. And I don't really feel devalued here. I feel sad. And I hate feeling sad. Oh fuck why am I back feeling sad again? But I don't feel devalued. And that is really cool.

And I heard my promotion is coming through finally.

So it doesn't all suck. Even if it's a bit sad right now.