December 20th, 2008


slight miscalculation

It's been a bit of a tough week. Gruelling both mentally and emotionally. And coming out the end of it, I realise that I have totally run out of steam. My fuel tank is empty. Car no go no more. There's nothing left here.

Which is a bit of a bitch since it's only the 20th. I have two more work days and two work miracles to pull and then I'm done for the year. I didn't ration my energy properly for the full 365 days and now there is none left. Apologies to things I have dropped, late cards and presents and unanswered emails.

Other than that, the Out to Lunch sign is hanging in my window.

And whilst I can't seem to gather any thoughts together in a coherent logical manner (though there is much swirling around in my head), for some reason, I finally managed to contact my ex this evening and organise for the last of my furniture to get to me. I dunno what the hell cause for 13 months I have not been able to do this and today it was finally time. And it's not that I am strong or whatever cause I very much don't feel that right now. I think maybe I finally am ... empty? Done? I had been working up to asking Tehani to call him for me and then I was too embarrassed that I couldn't organise this myself. And then suddenly I was texting the ex and he hadn't thrown out my stuff and it was all very cordial and he is getting it to me Wednesday. No drama. No heart flutters. Nothing. Done.

Well fuck.

ETA: Texting back and forth over the evening after not speaking since my birthday. It's just weird. He is going to be the one to drop it over after work on Wednesday. Now I am going to stress about what the conversation will be between now and then. Maybe he won't stick around at all other than - here it is, bye. And I dunno if that's better or worse. It still gets me how surreal it is to be SO familiar and intimate with someone and for that to be suddenly cut dead like it never mattered after all and then to go a long time with it completely dead and yet that person never is quite a stranger if you meet up with them later on. It's just weird, is all.