December 30th, 2008

Willow

(no subject)

So I mentioned I've been trying to be miserable and sorry for myself over these holidays and have failed dismally. It's kind of funny because I even set myself up for the wallowing with (limited) treats, alcohol, tea, DVDs, craft projects, sad books to read etc. See this would be my trained behaviour - something that I really hoped for goes wrong, feel bad, beat myself up a lot about it till I do some self destructive behaviourm, rinse and repeat, waste a lot of time.

I'm still really shocked and surprised that the work I have done this year on myself was real. That seems like a strange thing to say when I was sincere and honest and brutal in doing so. But somehow, I guess I never really believed that you *could* change yourself. I never really believed that you can be generally more happy than not, *despite* life and whatever happens along the way. Maybe I just never believed that I really could change my attitude. Or I placed too much value on the wrong things? Maybe I didn't really understand what makes up a life, or what it really means to be "in a different place". Maybe even though the scenery was changing, I was actually standing still all that time.

The truth of the matter is that I *am* in a different place. At least from this time last year. Last year I was in heartbreak and that was horrible all on its own. But I also didn't know nor believe that I could be here, in a year's time, still single yet happier than I've ever been before and happy in my little life.

And much as I would like to find someone and at this point in time would like to hate the male sex, I actually have 4 very strong male influences in my life that push me to challenge myself. And are constantly supporting and encouraging me to love and believe in myself. So that it comes to this place here generalisations are broken down and all I am left with is the individual and that's far less scary and far easier to handle.

jonathanstrahan has been such an amazing mentor for me this year - always available and approachable and always willing to offer advice and counsel. He's helped me dig myself out of some publishing holes and come back from some things I felt less than happy with publishing wise too this year. Mostly he supports with coffee and long conversations which always reenergise and invigorate me to go back to the workload with enthusiasm.

The other three - punkrocker1991, benpayne and flinthart muck in on the personal front. Russ is the one who forbids me to get puppies (which turned out to be the right thing to do even if puppies are keyewt) but also hugs me when I am crying, hands me more coffee, feeds me the meal on the days I can't bear to cook and eat alone, kicks me up the bum and chastises me for the stupid shit I do and sends me back out into the world. Last week he suggested I sort out my Press and concentrate on getting that in order before I get back out there and he's probably right. He thinks I make the same stupid choices over and over again (my mother does too) and I probably should look into that too. Ben and Dirk help me dissect my thoughts and feelings and reactions and choices. I feel like I have only just embarked on this journey of self and of the concept of love. It turns out it's not pink and with shiny men on white horses, and kisses to awaken you from deep sleep at all. It's something quite other.

The point I guess of this post is to say to myself that it's easy for me to point to my three breakups this year and feel sorry for myself and feel like it was a bad year or a year of disappointment or even a year without love, or more a year without love from men. Or that men are ... [whatever] but it's not true. Aside from the women in my life - who are many and would never all fit in one post and I love you all and you mean so very much to me - I am so very lucky to have these strong, supportive men in my life too. I think that's been hard for for a very long time - maybe it's "safer" to accept love from women? And for me, with a brain that likes to see in black and white, it's sometimes hard to reconcile that it doesn't break down into simple dichotomies like no boyfriend means no love or affection or belief in you.

I think this year my ideas about friendship changed. And my ideas about love grew up too - both in giving and receiving it. I think I am more loved than ever before and I think am filled with more love than ever before. I think I am also coming to learn how to love better too. And that's a really exciting thing to take into 2009 with me. And to practice what I have learned in 2008.
Willow

Budget

kathrynlinge is over at my place and we are doing a working bee. I sat down to sort my study out and ended up working on my personal budget. The first task of which is to figure out what I spent my money on this year. I have made a big discovery that I can save a lot of money next year if I don't go overseas AND break up with my bf on my mobole phone. Since I don't have any overseas trips booked this looks like being the first year in three years that I can do this!
Willow

:-(

We cooked a curry tonight in my electric wok and when I was cleaning it I noticed that the teflon bottom had bubbled. I know that's new cause I used it yesterday and I am very careful with my teflon. I never use anything that has had its coating punctured. So now I don't know what to do with this wok - I love it and was just starting to use it properly again. A quick google seems to show that teflon flakes don't seem to cause cancer but ... I don't really want to cook on it. I have emailed Breville and will see what they have to say on the matter.

Do you cook on teflon cookware that has been punctured?

Willow

2009 Reading

I'm still tweaking my resolutions for 2009 - not so much the what and more the how, or how to audit them and how to keep them going for the whole year. I'm also kind of struggling with the how to not make something that is fun into a chore. Specifically, I'm talking craft and reading for fun. So looking at the reading aspect, I'm limiting shorts read for LSS. I'm also going to be cranking up the graphic novels as we increase the reviewing of them on ASif! But with novels, I've been toying with adopting benpayne's spreadsheet method. I did laugh at him last year but he ended up reading far more than me so I guess the question is who is laughing now?! And the beauty of that is I can focus on borrowed books that need to be returned and review books for ASif! (and I spose Library books now that I have those in reading queues about my house) and books I have bought and not yet read.

But then we've all been talking about the 1001 Books to Read Before you Die list today. (And hey! They changed the list! How can they do that? IS it 1269 books now?! I lost 2 that I'd read from the list). Anyway, Ben and I were talking about doing it and I thought maybe I would just try to read 10 this coming year and see how that goes. I was talking to kathrynlinge about it too, she's been reading off it for at least the last year? Maybe 2? She recommended a bunch of them that are shorter and - some of them I am currently reading !!! (Do Androids Dream...) and some I want to read and have in the queue (Breakfast at Tiffanys). So I got a bit enthused cause I could read a couple of books and cross the same one off two different lists. That'd be ok. And then I just went through the spreadsheet myself - 1. What have I been reading all my life? 2. There's a ton of stuff not on there 3. There's ONE graphic novel and I am already going to be reading it next year!! - and there's so much on this list I want to have read, should have read and OMG there are A LOT that I have started reading and not finished.

That alone makes this a good addition to my 2009 things to do list, which itself is about finishing started projects, mostly.

(Link to the spreadsheet via benpayne - here