January 4th, 2009

Willow

other things

Day 4 of Crohn's flare up and I am now caffeine and alcohol free 2/3 days running. I miss coffee! Still constant cramps. And the knowledge that one cup of coffee will tip the balance. I have moved onto cutting out preservatives/additives starting with the obvious ones - soft drinks, lollies... I've been eating mostly made-by-me food so there's not to much to strip back there mealwise. I've added healing fruitjuices - guava (couldn't get kiwi or pineapple at the local IGA, will source tomorrow) and Vitamin B tabs.

Will see what tomorrow brings.

Almost inhaled Season 2 of Dexter today whilst working on the ASif! web upgrade.

Bought small quiche baking pans and am going to move onto making and freezing meal size quiches next.

Anyone else sit for long periods of time with their laptop on their laps? I'm starting to think I get a pain when I do that and... surely that's not good for one's reproductive bits? Only been doing it everyday for about 3 years or more.

Willow

Reality shows

I totally love them just for the final departing shot - like on the Biggest Loser when they turn the person's light off. Or that fake reality show - Joe Schmoe or whatever it was called? - and they threw the plate with the person's face on it into the fireplace and said something like "You are dead to us now".

I love Top Design on Arena just for the parting shot of - See you later, decorator.

Willow

ugh

Apparently I go back to work tomorrow. I have prepared for this in no way. My default bodyclock is nocturnal and 12 days off was enough time for me to lapse back into bed at 2am and up at 10/11am. I have not eased myself back into "normal" at all and expect it will hurt a lot getting up and maintaining "regular" hours tomorrow. On top of that A_ is not back at work till Thursday, I have a ton of work waiting for me and am "caffeine-free". (Yes yes, there was a hideous backlash this morning when I tried to pretend I was allowed coffee)

I'm interested to see how my brain copes. I really and truly actually took off the last 12 days and not only did I not do (much) work, my brain actaually went on holiday such that when I tried to do work (things that I would normally be able to do and do in the requested turnaround) I simply couldn't. Brain just would not switch on. I think I burned out. I definitely was exhausted by the end of the year and I worked hard, ramping things up to get things done by the 23rd so that I could, and earned, take a holiday. And I did. I feel like I should apologise for the work that didn't get done and the emails that are still sitting waiting to be answered ... though, I think I am also entitled to the break that I took. And I am glad that I did. I hope the brain switches back on tomorrow. It still feels sluggish. I have a lot of work to get done!

Willow

Israeli ground troops in Gaza

So the war advances. I don't actually have much opinion on it, to be honest. I haven't been following the news for about two weeks.

What is of interest to me is that the Israeli Defense Force has gone all 21st century, which I spose of all the armies in the world, you'd think they'd be the first to, and have their own You Tube Channel where they are uploading all kinds of their own footage of the action. It's quite interesting really. It's another example of how the world is going online and of how power is more and more devolving down to the individual. I'm not really much into video games so the footage is not that useful to me and I'm mostly wondering what I am looking at and so on - but I'm like that with the footage the news normally shows - it's all shadows and green and moving at odd angles and ... I dunno.

But I guess this is another example of how media is changing and I think we were talking about it here before where journalists are less and less bringing us the facts and more and more editorialising or talking around it. Because at the point at which the Palestinians do the same, and upload footage to their own You Tube channel, why would you bother waiting for the 6pm news? Unless you wanted to hear someone else's commentary on it?

Interestingly, the IDF have disabled the comment function on the videos :-) I wonder why :-)

Willow

other things

Had a slightly bad OCD day today - worst day I guess in quite a while but not bad, just "there". Had a moment I had to talk myself down from the crazy, which I did. Interesting to note this here to log against the Crohn's flare up - I would assume I'd be absorbing less Vit B and things like zinc and so on (cause of the location of my Crohn's, in my ileum) and those things regulate normal thought process. Thus depression is a common side effect of Crohn's (and why I ramped up the Vit B this week).

I've got counselling tomorrow too so I shall mention it.

Day 5 of Crohn's flare up. Today was worse than yesterday. Will see how I go tomorrow. The worst thing I think is the fluctuating between acute gut pain, temperatures, sweats etc and then ravenous hunger. I think the ravenous hunger is the worst, especially as I can tolerate less and less and there is almost nothing to eat to satisfy it. It's easy in those moments to think it doesn't matter what I eat ... and then sincerely regret that decision an hour later. The constant low grade cramps are easier to tolerate. Though, discovering that I can live life without them makes it less easy to ignore when then come back, like now.

I've been a bit casual with my diet over the last year and I spose once I get this back under control, I'll need to be less casual about it for a good few months. Like I said, be careful what you wish for, huh?

Kind of related but not to the above is some thoughts I was having this weekend - aside from the ones from yesterday. Thank you all to the lovely and wise advice, I'm still working and thinking through a lot of it but I appreciate it. I got a lot of food for thought. What else I have been thinking is that this weekend I noticed that I finally seem to have gotten my life back on track to where it was just before I met the ex or say in the first year or two of us getting together. Sort of. I definitely was not in the best mental place when we hooked up and I was in the first bout of prolonged depression by then because soon after we got together (maybe the second time? so 6 months in) I hopped off the postgrad clock and deferred for ... well. Anyway, it's taken me till now to feel like I am rock solid and good again. I still have a way to go but I can see I am getting there. My freezer is back to full and prepared for busy times and caring for my health. I'm clearing out old clothes and just junk that I moved from house to house. Stripping back the crap and not holding on to things to keep time from moving on, maybe? I can see myself feeling more in control of my life again, rather than not. Paying bills on time, filing papers away for easy access when needed, running errands and doing chores rather than just not.

All good things. But it makes me wonder about the last 7 years or whatever it was. Was it really that long? How did it get this way? I have thoughts about that, some related to the previous (locked) post. But it is nice to feel more and more like me, like the me I was before him. I guess bringing back into the light all the facets of me that I packed away. The other night I was thinking about how much I miss the ex. But then I made myself specifically list all the things I missed, and none of them were really him, they were more about being "with someone". And in thinking about all these things, I really was aware of how much I kept shelving away parts of me, and molding myself to fit an image of who he wanted to be with. A thought that ran through my head was how if only I hadn't flipped out, I would still be with him. And then I thought about what that would be like, how much of me would be missing, dead, forgotten, shoved away, with fake personality created in front to fit the image. And that's not a way to live. It's nice to bring me back into the whole again. And ... you know, if I'm too much, then so be it, I guess.