March 9th, 2009

me

That'd be right!

I had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend - and I have counselling tonight. What on earth am I going to talk through there then???

Two things happened and they may or may not have been related. In talking through something on Saturday night, I think I finally made the realisation required to figure out a bunch of stuff relating to my love life. That sort of thing where you wrestle with something that doesn't quite sit right but you don't know why for a really really really long period of time and yet the actual thought that is required to break through the barrier or help you leap across the chasm happens in a mere instant. The typing through a thought to its final logical AHA! conclusion. Massive enlightenment. And then wondering why it was so hard to get here. I figured it out. Finally.

I've been looking at it all wrong. Backwards even. And that's no real surprise I spose. I was looking at it selfishly, maybe. And maybe when you do that, you are bound to make the wrong choices and decisions and attract the wrong kinds of situations. But if you are not guaranteed a gain, you can be more discerning. Choose who to love based on who deserves to be loved by you. Regardless of what they may offer you in return. Loving without conditions and lines and boundaries - that's a much greater ask, risking so much more against a possible total no payoff. Then you might choose far more carefully and far more discerningly. And then find yourself in better situations - loving people deserving of your love. And potentially, more likely to find it returned. Therefore.

Or something like that. In my head it's kinda more bright light and angelical music. It's harder to translate into words.

Anyway. That was Saturday night. Sunday I was editing for NCN and then ready to go to Rock-It but my lift was running late and I found myself in my study for I think nearly 2 hours working on my taxes. For the very first time since I moved into this house, and in fact for almost a year before I moved out of the house I shared with the now-ex, I sorted through receipts. So you can imagine that the pile of receipts was high and intimidating. Such that it was never beckoning to be sorted. I also did some general filing and realised that papers can actually get filed as they arrive. They do not need to lie in a way station awaiting filing. And you can always go to the file and get the paper when you need it. Revelation 2.

But Revelation 3 was this. I have been guilty and ashamed for quite some time about the state of my office. The mess. The lack of order. The very very bad record keeping. I chastise myself about being a bad small business owner. And I promise myself that I *will* get on top of things and make a fresh start. But I haven't. And I think about how I never used to be like this. I used to be a highly organised and ordered person. With filing always done. Cheque books always balanced. Bills paid on time. Tidy office space etc etc. And I wonder what happened to me.

The truth? The truth is ... all those frigging receipts represented something - the history of me and the ex. The things we had done. Who we were. Meals we'd shared. Groceries we'd bought. Movies we'd gone to see. All sitting there on itty bitty bits of paper and piled up and overflowing desks and shelves in my study. And I think the mere thought of attacking that was too much to bear. Not just the sorting of that much stuff, and deciding what to keep and what to cull, but also just having to look at that history. And once upon a time, a year ago maybe, that would have hurt. But it doesn't hurt anymore.

And I notice that I can get trapped in thought loops (hello OCD!) and instead of looking at what is trapping me and why I am stuck here, I just decorate it and set up house. And I need to address that more in my life because what I am finding is usually I can't remember why I abandoned a task or project halfway. I may as well just wade in, take stock, figure out where I was up to and keep going. And not assume there was a valid reason for getting caught in the groove. Mostly there isn't or the reason is no longer.

So I need to do my taxes for 2007/2008. That's the urgent priority. So ... I figured out I just need to sort all my receipts into years (why am I keeping receipts of coffee I had in 2004?). Then I will sort the appropriate dates for this lot of taxes. If I can't find receipts, I don't make the claim, and I move on. Time to draw a line baby. It won't be perfect but it will be done. And it has to be done. Time to sort and file, draw the line and move the hell on.

And OMG this is so LIBERATING! My office already looks so much tidier and ordered. I've done a first round cull of receipts as I've gone. There will be a second round later (and that's the other new trick I've learned. It doesn't have to be done perfectly the first time. All progress towards the finish line counts. And sometimes it's easier to use a two step process and you're more likely to get it done that way too)

And more than that? I feel like I've broken through yet another block on the getting over and beyond the ex. I think I might be a bit literal, as a person. And that pile of receipts represented something to me. By finding it within myself to sort them, I feel like I have conquered something. I feel like I have moved further on. And beyond. And it didn't hurt. It wasn't painful. Other than looking at dates and seeing *how long ago* so much of that was now.

A big weekend. A weekend of triumph!
Willow

Rock-It

The festival was fun. I went with jbaby77 and a friend of hers who I've met before at a couple of her things. After a slight delay that included hunting for a petrol station with the red light on the dashboard flashing, we arrived well in time for Faker, the first band we wanted to see. I love a good plan that involves buffer time.

As we wandered towards the arena surrounded by hundreds of young things I pointed out another reason we are old. Pretty much everyone was wearing thongs! Is this a WA thing? The three of us looked down at our very sensible shoes. Man, I have so done the inappropriate footwear thing. And you haven't lived till you've limped around all day in the sun because someone stepped on you or your shoe strap broke. You only need that experience once. Besides? Standing for 8 or 10 hours? Man I want good shoe support.

We passed through the bag search and the yelling at people like criminals for trying to take in bottles of water. My bag was hunted through as was everyone else's so I really don't understand how the idiot in the mosh pit got his flare through security. Oh yes. That's the thing about festivals - drunk, stupid 18 year old boys. SO OVER that! As we waited in the queue we watched the girl near us who clearly took all her drugs before entry. That was upsetting. Stupid girl. I mean, what the fuck is the point in spending $100 to see a bunch of bands if you are so out of it you can't even tell that you can't stand up on your own feet? I dunno but that doesn't seem like living life to the max to me. That seems like living life with white noise drowning everything else out.

No sniffer dogs in the end. Lots of police. I checked out the drug bins - there should be a photo of me in front of one up on Facebook at some point. I peered in but that bin was empty. It was a bit out to the side. I should have looked at the main bin probably.

It was unbelievably hot with absolutely no shade. We sat down in between bands - you got 30 minutes which was good. Faker were good. Birds of Tokyo were awesome. The Music were the most entertaining performers I think. We listened to the Fratellis but mostly we were hunting dinner at that point. We found some oldies who were in primary school in the 80s in the kebab line and had some reminiscing then. And I cannot believe it but you could not buy a bottle of water anywhere on the grounds. You could refill your bottle for free but you couldn't buy a bottle.

And now .. to the main act - Kings of Leon. Sigh. I tried to like them. I did. But I don't like being smooshed in a large group of people and even out far near the back where we were got a bit much. I'm too short to see stuff. Tall guys don't see me. And I will admit that they didn't give good concert. The only really awesome bits of their show were the songs Sex on Fire and Be Somebody *because* the entire crowd sang them, which as J pointed out, is kinda doing their job for them. Those moments had awesome atmosphere. The rest, not so much. We left before the end. And I was glad to be home and showered and in bed at a reasonable hour. Cause I am old.

12PPpink

Tin Ducks

I have been remiss in pimping for the Tin Ducks mostly cause well, you should nominate for what you want and what you thought was good. However, I just realised *I* personally did not nominate the ASif! individual eligible works and as I just did a quick look through, I realised in 2008 we produced a few things that I am really quite proud of.

So ... a bunch of Twelfth Planet Press work eligible for the Tin Ducks: