March 15th, 2009

Willow

Down here, in the fricking hole

I flocked the first post but it feels disingenuous to not openly blog bad days as well as good.

I fell into a hole on Thursday. I don't know why or how. It kinda almost felt like a switch got pulled in my brain. I really was good on Wednesday. Maybe tired, still with this headache. But mostly good. Thursday sucked. Friday got worse, I became less than fully functional. Saturday bit the big one.

What can I say about it? It's the first time in a long time - years - since I contemplated all sorts of nasty thoughts. Some things I won't normally even let myself think about. Thinking about them leads to bad bad things. Normally, every day, I am on top of that. It's been a while since I saw this darkness, since I knew it. It's been a long time since I felt dead inside. And ... I'm kinda surprised how quickly it came on. There was no sliding into it. No not noticing the signs. Just bam and fuck you.

I feel a bunch of things ... so I guess not quite dead inside after all. I feel anger towards myself, I feel disappointment, frustration, impatience. I feel sad I guess. I spent a lot of yesterday crying. I feel like nothing matters. None of what I do matters. And I don't trust myself right now not to do bad shit.

That said.

I haven't acted on any bad thoughts. I've had them, looked at them, turned them round in my head and put them back down. I think I've worked too fucking hard to fuck it all off now. It's taken too long to build what I did and get where I was from where I had been and put myself back together. And fuck feeling bad about it now, I think it might mean something to me. And ... self destruction? Well it self destructs. Which is to say, I might feel better tomorrow or the next day and I don't want to have to start over again with the dealing with shit. It was too hard the first time.

And this is why I think I am in a hole and not the abyss.

And as much as I want to feel bad about myself, and as much as I *am* angry at myself, it's not true that I am unloved and thus I can't be unlovable. And I'm not really alone either.

Life isn't about the mistakes you make or the things you fuck up or fail at. It's about what you do *after* that. I really do believe that. And I'm going to be okay. I believe that too.
Willow

Balance

Things I did that were not harmful and made me feel a bit better:

- met a friend for breakfast yesterday
- went shoe shopping and ordered in a sexy new pair of heels in purple
- bought body shop bath stuff (to use later tonight)
- painted my toe nails
- danced like noone was watching to my new album Feed the Animals by Girl Talk
- told people how I felt and let them care for me (some came over, some left me dinner, some called me or texted etc)
- called a friend who needed the same and talked to her
- went to the movies with a friend and ate ice cream

Now I am going to visit my lovely sister and play with her puppy and then off to see more friends.
Then edit NCN.

I'm gonna kick this.