March 17th, 2009


Dawn of A New Day

I spent 2008 putting me and my life back together. I came out of a long-term relationship with only my closest and longest friendships remaining. I lost a lot in the time I spent with him - I lost myself, I lost my independence/self-reliance, I lost my sanity and I lost a lot of friends. But really, I didn't lose these, I threw them away. I carved them all up and threw them to the wind, piece by piece. Because I really thought that "if only I ... then ..." I did them by choice, a choice I then very much regretted.

I worked hard at things last year - I worked hard on myself, I worked hard on rebuilding broken relationships and I worked hard on building my social network. And I value all of these now. I value them very much. And in these last few days, I think the fact that I know how hard I worked for them, and how much they mean to me, meant that they were worth too much to throw away again. In the heat of the moment or to hurt myself at a low self esteem moment. That means I made progress somewhere along the line. And that means that even if I *feel* bad, that doesn't mean that things *are* bad. It means that I know my life is important, that what I have is full and worth having. It means it's a start towards counteracting the bad thoughts and the hope that one day they will get dismissed at their formation.

My brain is trained to be obsessive - that's what happens when you critically think and when you problem solve. You train your brain to mull something over and over, pick it up, twist it around, look at it from different angles, till you work it out. And an obsessive, detail-oriented brain is necessary for the kind of day job I have. The problem comes in when there is a breakdown in a circuit somewhere and rubbish enters the thought process and my brain doesn't recognise the idea as rubbish. That's at least how my OCD got explained to me. And one of the ways of dealing with it is to try and look at things that I am obsessing on and see if they are real or junk thoughts. And that takes time to master. It also means that when my headspace is not in the best place, that gets harder to do. And on top of those two things, when I have rubbish in a headspace that is not in a good place, it means that the way I react to outside factors may be less than ideal. And may not be the way I would normally react, when my headspace is clear and my OCD is under tighter wraps.

Anger was a big issue for me for a while - too angry too often and too out of control. There were moments that scared me by how uncontrollably angry I could get and what happened in those moments. I did things I will regret for the rest of my life. Not things that were lastingly horrendous, just that I can never take back. The day before yesterday, I glimpsed that behaviour again. I wasn't nearly as angry but I was worked up and I still reacted in the same sort of way. And I'm not proud of that. I can see, though, that my anger was much more subdued. And yesterday in fact, I caught myself and removed myself from a conversation because I, and it, was heading that way again. So even though I know I still lashed out in a way I regret, I was able to catch myself the next time and calm down. And I have never been able to do that before - mid-meltdown. And even though that's not perfect, it's progress. And I guess some days that has to be enough.

I do wonder though if you can ever not react in anger. And if that means that you are giving in and letting the other person walk over you? I guess you're supposed to walk away, to retain your power in the situation? I wonder if I could ever be a person who just ... walks away.

The thing is ... as I said, I now have a strong social network. I am very tough on who I will be friends with. I have very high expectations on friendship. But that of course means, I have only the best kind of friends.

And with friends like I have - brilliant and compassionate - I have of course been talking aloud what's been going on this last few days. This is good cause I've found verbalising the crazy neutralises it quicker. But it's also hard because ... now I have much more to think about. Voicing what you feel or what is going on leads to thinking and processing and reworking it all out.

And it's led me to a very confronting place. Here it is:

Ultimately, deep down, in my heart of hearts, where thoughts are whispers ... I don't think I am worthy enough.

And that's why it doesn't matter how often and how much outside validation I get, it will never quell the feeling and it will never satisfy the need. That has to come from me. And until I can do this, I will always emotionally be a house of cards. Other people loving me is important. I respect and value them so they must know what they are doing, right? But I have to figure out how to do this for myself. And I think none of the rest will ever work, or be right, till I do.

This feels like the biggest task yet.

Some words of wisdom though to end, from my Mum in an email this morning:
It's not who copes with the most, or does the most or is efficient the most who's who is the happiest who wins.


Adelaide Natcon - Conjecture

Since we were all good with the criticism I thought I'd blog how excited I am about Natcon coming up in June. The con committee are gearing up and are starting to really get on top of things now. I personally have been contacted by various members and feel all sorted out and shiny about things that I need and want. Cause it's all about me :)

Twelfth Planet Press will be there all bright and in force with lots of new shiny books to show and tell about.

We'll be launching Peter M Ball's "Horn" - the second in our novella series. Here's the blurb to pique your interest:

There’s a dead girl in a dumpster and a unicorn on the loose – and no-one knows how bad that combination can get better than Miriam Aster. What starts as a consulting job for city homicide quickly becomes a tangled knot of unexpected questions, and working out the link between the dead girl and the unicorn will draw Aster back her back into the world of the exiled fey she thought she’d left behind ten years ago. All in all, Miriam Aster isn’t happy. The last time she worked a case like this it cost her a badge, a partner, and her life.

This time things are going to get much, much worse.


Pauline Hanson has Boobs

I'm actually not watching much news at the moment - it's so fricking depressing and I just don't need it. In fact yesterday, I stayed home and sat in silence all day - no TV, no radio. Just the quiet. And it was restful.

And yet still, somehow, the latest Pauline Hanson fiasco has reached me. I don't want it, I don't like her and her racist, divisive vision for the country that I love.

But it's hard not to be confronted and react to the feminist issue in this story. Is she really the only political candidate to have ever posed in the nude? How would we feel if someone had naughty pics of any of the men who sit on either side's front bench and forced us to see them in every news break between TV shows and plastered on the front pages of newspapers?! There would be an uproar if only cause bloody hell but I'd be blind for a week at some of those. I can't really even go there in imagining it. But here is a woman who mostly we don't like - because of her politics and her agenda - and instead of attacking those, which is easy to do, it's not like they are all that high brow or hard to counter, we're supposed to be what? *Offended* that she took some scantily clad and nudie shots like over 30 years ago when she was 19?

OMG I so don't care. Geez! Imagine if we were all held accountable for things we did, stupid or otherwise, when we were young for the rest of our lives? I'm so sick of this idea that who you were once is who you will always be or that something you did years ago (And frankly ... this is nothing compared to frigging I'm-a-Catholic-Abbott so none of you can use abortive techniques that *I* don't approve of yet was a swinger in the 60s and wasn't even sure if some illegitimate kid was his or not till the paternity test) somehow negates your ability to do things now.

After all - isn't the point of life to learn and grow and evolve?

And fuck me but I don't care about some saucy shots of Pauline Hanson from when she was only barely legal. I just don't care.

Tell me about her politics. Tell me about the changes she wants to make and the decisions she wants to champion. Tell me why or why not she should be elected. Now. For who she is today. Just like with every other frigging candidate on the trail.