March 19th, 2009


Oh, I get it finally

It takes me a few goes to learn some things.

I think I finally got it this time.

Since we haven't yet invented time travel, we are currently set on forward motion only, travelling through time. So even if you wanted to, you can't go back and change stuff or go back to a particular time or situation or relationship. It doesn't exist any more.

So too ... after things happen, situations change and relationships shuffle and readjust. This process can be positive or negative but the fact that it happens puts further distance between then and now. The how and what will define the future of how things will be but they also ensure that you can never go back to what was. It ain't there no more.

That means that you can never go back. Cause it won't be how you remembered it anyway. It's gone. And you should move on and forwards.

Or ... I should. I should let go of it, anyhow.

And that applies to old relationships as well as old states of being. It doesn't matter how I felt last week, it only matters how I will feel next week. And that's the bit I can control. (And yes, I think this means I am finally feeling a bit better.)

I just need to figure out how to ground myself.


I did no work this evening and spent it in a series of conversations with friends. What did we do before the internet? I can't imagine not being able to talk to a bunch of people who don't live in this city whenever I want, with the stroke of a keyboard, whilst relaxing in bed.

If I still lived at home, I'm sure I'd be being yelled at to get off the phone and go to bed!

And so I shall.


It's fascinating cause it's so damn weird


Josef Fritzl dramatically changed his plea last night to guilty of murder and slavery during the 24 years he held his daughter captive and forced her to bear seven children.


I plead guilty to the crimes I've been charged with," Fritzl told the court in the northeastern town of Sankt Poelten, about 60km from Amstetten, where the family lived. "I'm sorry."

The retired electrical engineer had earlier admitted incest, rape and sequestration but denied murder, for which he faces a life prison term, and enslavement.

Asked by judge Andrea Humer what caused him to change his plea, Fritzl replied: "My daughter's videotaped testimony.",27574,25209211-401,00.html

I can only imagine, and even then it won't be a remotely good enough job, what it must have been like to testify against that man and vocalise the life she must have led. What a terrible, terrible trauma to have lived through.

I find it odd - maybe fascinating - that the thing that moved this monster was her testimony. Not like, the holding her against her will in captivity and raping her and making her have your children FOR 24 YEARS!

I guess there are some people you have to give up on. Beyond help. Lost causes.

A Book of Endings by Deborah Biancotti

Twelfth Planet Press's forthcoming publication of the first collected works of Deborah Biancotti, A Book of Endings is due to be released at Continuum, in Melbourne, August 14 - 16, 2009. Edited by Alisa Krasnostein and Ben Payne, this collection of 21 short stories includes 6 new original works.

Cover Art and Design
by Nick Stathopoulos
The Distance Keeper
The Dying Light
The First and Final Game
King of All and the Metal Sentinel
Life's Work
Number 3 Raw Place
Pale Dark Soldier
The Razor Salesman
Seven Ages of the Protagonist
Silicon Cast
Stealing Free
Stone by Stone
Summa Seltzer Missive
The Tailor of Time
Watertight Lies

And including 6 new works:
Coming up for Air
Diamond Shell
Problems of Light and Dark
Six Suicides
This Time, Longing



Something in particular kicked me out of my funk, yesterday. I'm not happy with the why or how in terms of that it was something external and not something I could do for myself. And not necessarily something permanent or real. Further, my headspace is completely different now. So that even if I wanted to address some of the stuff I've been blogging about (which I do), it feels like it would now come from a better, more positive place. Which is obvious and one might ask why that is such a bad thing. But I think when you are looking on the bright side of life, you can make things look better or easier or happier than maybe they are. It feels like it's not quite real. That the progress is not quite permanent.

Ben said to me the other day that you can't go from having not learned a lesson to suddenly having learned it. He says that there's stages in betweeen as you progress towards it. Which is his way of cutting me slack and saying, hey yeah it wasn't perfect but it was better and next time you will do better still and eventually you will have mastered the lesson.

The funk did not take hold and stick. I passed through it. I used a whole bunch of other, healthier coping mechanisms to deal with frustration and internal anger and disappointment. I may not have liked myself, but I did know that everything passes and that there will be a beyond that feeling where I will like myself better and will care about a bunch of things that I didn't at the time.

But see, well sure I can say all these things now. I'm in the other, more stable headspace. Where logic and forgiveness prevail. I'm finding it hard to express my problem here.

Meanwhile ... things move along. My head is clear and logical and up for detail-oriented tasks again. I have started my taxes and the immense mess that needs untangling before I can lodge them is being tidied. Book covers are being finalised, books are being finalised, book launches are being organised, work is getting done. Things are moving. And that's better than standing still.


*shakes head*

And then sometimes the Universe cuts you a break.

Just sat down to do my taxes and went looking for all my bank receipts and found two folders, neatly filed away titled: Tax Receipts 2007/2008 and one for 2008/2009.

That's just ... I'm speechless. It's like been stressing me out for three weeks plus all the denial before that ... and I had a freaking file with most of the information in it already!!! (Except for TPP which is still a tangled ball of string)

I didn't think I could be all *that* bad a record keeper.