March 24th, 2009

me

In the pursuit of fabulousness

benpayne and I were talking the other day and he told me that I always get down/stressed out in March. Really? I asked him. Yes, he told me, since 2005! Heh. That's where a blog can come in handy! But ultimately, I'm stressed cause it's March and March means taxes, Swancon and Passover. All very stressful things. And also, as April comes round, I guess you sorta dig in and realise that yes, you really are into the meaty bit of the year. No more swanning around in summer days and nights. And plenty of hard work staring at you from further down the road.

And it's a long time til Christmas...

Just now I was telling a team member about NCN which is almost ready to go to the printers. She was saying how good it would be to meet the Easter deadline. And then she asked me if I was taking an extra day off after the con - cause you always get rundown after those, she says.

It seems to me, people around me have a better sense of who I am than I do at the moment. It's sorta amusing, but not really. It sort of comes back to that idea of invisibility that I have mentioned before. That I forget people actually look at me and can *see* me. Mostly I think that they don't. Which is, I agree, removed from reality. Maybe for a long time I went through life actually being unseen and now it feels hard to shake the familiar? Like how I used to be painfully shy. And often forget that I'm not and can absolutely do x or y without stress.

I think this links into my ideas and feelings about clothes and my personal presentation. I think for a long time I have dressed to assist that idea of invisibility - don't draw attention, don't stand out, conform to those around me. (Don't notice the size of my hips) That's probably something that stems from adolescence where being different is the worst thing that can happen to you. And maybe I carried that through into my 20s. Now, at lovely 33, I realise that ... I don't want to conform if that boring, dull, uninteresting sameness is what we all (not us ... *other* people) mean by "fitting in". I'm actually not "normal" or "mainstream" or "ordinary" and I don't want to be.

And lately I've realised that I hold back a lot of myself - that I worry I am too much or too full on or that thing about trying to conform. I held back in relationships and I hold back in life. And this year I decided that I wouldn't do that anymore. I decided this year would be about the pursuit of fabulousness. And one of the things that required overhaul was my wardrobe - which is often a carefully constructed image of fitting in.

I have started shaking things up. But I have quite a ways to go. That's in part what the financials stress out is about - figuring out what my budget is for wardrobe overhaul, among other things. What can I afford over what timeframe etc.

But the really interesting thing is observing what I actually want to wear or buy versus what I normally would buy. So for example, I love shoes. But for a very long time, even loving shoes and loving buying and owning lots of pairs, my entire shoe collection was black. Black is fairly inoffensive and invisible. I had really nice pairs of black shoes. But would never ever buy anything that would, I guess, draw attention to me? The last three pairs of shoes I have bought have not been black. I've seen them sitting in the shop window and they have made me smile and appealed to my sense of amusement. And they're shoes that when I wear them immediately get attention. The thing is, they are also shoes that show a lot about me, about who I am and what I like. maybe they say that I have different taste to the norm. That maybe I am interesting? All three are very 1920s looking and they make me want to go dancing. They are flamboyant. And normally I would have thought "Oh I love those, I wish I could be a person who could wear them" and then bought something similar in black. Now I see shoes like these, they make me smile and I go and try them on and buy them.

And this has been an interesting experience too. Because it's sort of an act of exposing myself - a gradual revelation to the world about who I really I am. That I'm not the norm. That I'm different. And that I don't care whether you like this about me or not. And at the same time, now that I'm starting to wear clothes that I like and that express better who I am, I'm much happier. Amd more comfortable. And that too was a tough thing to reconcile at first - I always thought that was a very anti-feminist thing this "feeling pretty" or making myself up to look pretty, that I was objectifying myself maybe. But I'm starting to see that denying who you are, whoever that is, in order to conform, is in fact anti-feminist. I still have trouble with the feeling of empowerment that I get when I like how I look. When I feel sexy, I feel powerful. And I'm still struggling with that, a little. Though I wonder if that comes back to an inherent sexist conditioning - that it's the "vixen" who is wrong rather than he who has no self control?

Willow

I can't quite put my finger on it but...

... there's something not quite right about this.

A PHOTO of a Demi Moore's bottom, left, has been posted online by her husband Ashton Kutcher. The actor published the pic on Twitter with the line, "Shhh don't tell wifey".

Minutes beforehand he'd said, "Watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!" he said.

Demi responded on her Twitter site saying, "He is such a sneak and while I was steaming his suit too."


http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity/showbuzz/index/0,26286,5038103-5010840-1,00.html




ball of yarn

A Crafty post!

It's been a while, and it's not even my craft. I've been knitting a pair of socks whilst editing and proofing NCN. One anthology = one pair of socks, it seems :)

But in the meantime, some of my sister's crafts. She just decided, like two weeks ago, to make handbags, having never really made them before and not really being all that into sewing either. She is pretty feisty and determined, my sister. And these are pretty darn funky. I'm gonna be helping her set up an etsy store soon (my family are a tad prone to the obsessive, you may have noticed.)

Collapse )

This is the front and back of the same bag. Pretty funky!

Collapse )
Willow

Mandatory Time Out

I took a mandatory time out tonight so as to be able to do important things like remember my name. Went after work with some work friends (how famous do you have to be to get to call them gal pals?) to the Somerville - outdoor deck theatre on UWA campus, set amongst tall trees and backdrop of sky. We saw a gentle French film called "The Grocer's Son" which was both funny in parts and very touching.

A_ and I went early and reserved really good seats. C_ and M_ went to fetch the gourmet pizzas and we picnicked for dinner on the grass, drank wine (me only a teeny bit cause I'm not drinking right now) and chatted and laughed. C_ retold a story I'd already heard about a shoe mixup after her yoga class a few weeks ago and I had a really good belly laugh. Gosh I love that story.

We got hot chocolates and ice creams and bundled up with pillows and rugs for the movie.

The Somerville is one of my favourite things to do in summer - and yet again, I waited till the fourth last movie to actually go!!! I think I'll try to get to one last movie before the end of the season.

Good friends, good food, a really great night.

Next week the French Film festival is on. My French should almost be passable by the end!