March 31st, 2009

Willow

momentary lapse in cope-age

Not doing well this arvo. Must have mismanaged my sugar/food intake today and coupled with ongoing sleep deficit, am sitting here having mild hot sweats and general vagueness.

And there is nowhere on this campus to locate chocolate after 3pm. How is that not an OH&S issue?

Need to sort or will not be ok to drive home!

Willow

Puppy dramah

Last night puppy swallowed a bee - or at least got a bee sting in her mouth.

My poor sister and mum had to do a vet run at 9pm with a dog who refused to open her mouth and had put her sorry self to bed in uncharacteristic fashion.

This after my sister spent the night before sorting the husband who cut his cornea doing backyard gardening type things.

Here's hoping she gets an early one tonight that's peaceful and medical drama-free.

Willow

Matters of money and the heart

Tonight I audited 2006, having finished 2007 last night. I must surely be on the homestretch since I have my tax returns to compare against now for all but the current financial year. I am nearly done actually. I just have deposits and paypal to go, mostly. And I've already done all but the second half of 2008, basically. The tough bit is reconciling what Tehani calls "Magic Money" - which is just figuring out how much money TPP owes who, I spose.

Anyway, it was weird going through my receipts for 2006 after having done 2007 last night. A really different experience. Sorta more nostalgic, I guess. In theory, in 2006 we were a more functioning couple and I can kinda see that he was generous to me, financially. Though I kept house and sorted a lot of the vet bills. (And in the first years of our relationship, I probably paid more than my share as he had much less money then. Still I never really know quite how to feel about the finances. I guess, I always thought we were going to get married and in that kind of thing you worry less about who pays for what) I dunno. I guess I'm a little sad, looking at what our life was like (even though I can see the craft addiction was strong in 2006 which reflected how much time I was spending alone and how much I hated my job) and thinking that we don't ever see each other and may never do again. I find it so weird? sad? upsetting? that you can be so close with someone - live with them for years and be their closest companion, I guess, and then split up and not even be vague friends. There's so much about me that he saw and knew that maybe noone else ever will (And perhaps though, I may never be that person again either. And that part of me may never be there *to* be seen). And it's weird to think that someone who saw that stuff and still was there each day (til he wasn't) just can walk off and not look back or think about it ever again. I guess though the fact that he did walk off eventually means that he *can* do that? Not be friends, I mean. We were together a long time. I was sick for a lot of it - first with Crohns and food allergies and so on and then with the depression and the OCD. And he was very patient with all of that and kind of generous, materially speaking. I guess I'm just sad that we aren't even be friends after that.

I guess I find it odd - the ending of relationships. How you can have a connection with someone, till you don't. And how other people find it so easy to cut it and not look back. It's just not something I've ever been able, or wanted, to do.

Course - look how quickly I can forget or skim over how I felt yesterday, looking over the 2007 stuff and how he broke up with me over the phone whilst I was away. And worse, thought it was ok to just retreat whilst I was so far away by not returning emails or texts or answering the phone as though I wouldn't notice. I really should remember one with the other and put the whole relationship into its balance of good and bad. And then move the heck on! Hopefully now that most of the finances are done (still have 2005 to go) that relate to when we were together, it'll not be as much on my mind.

Unrelatedly ... early last week I decided to go on a break. To just ... chill out and not do that whole lovelife thing for a while. It's not even that I think I should be single for a while. I think it's more than I just need to not think about *any* of that stuff for a while. I'm tired and it's only April (in 40 mins). As Tehani said to me, it's been a big year already! But more than that, this whole thing hasn't really worked out all that superly for me and I think I am tired of trying and failing at it. I'm kinda done for a bit. So ... yeah. Taking a break. And it's nice so far actually.