July 17th, 2009

cuppa

in theory the news is in

Well, I have been chasing the gyn oncologist all week for the test results. I got a note in the mail to say that the papsmear results were normal and have been waiting to hear about the biopsy. I rang on Tuesday and the receptionist said that the doctor wanted to call me himself but that she thought she looked at the results and they were clear. Which is why I haven't really been all that worried or anxious.

Couple of rounds of phonetag and she just went and grabbed my file since she hasn't yet typed up the letter he wrote to me. The verdict is an inflamed cervical polyp which he removed (oh yes, yes he did). And she thinks the letter she is typing up will just ask me to come back in 6 months for another look.

So ... I think for now the best thing is to assume I've been given the all clear.

shiny&chocolate

The week that was

Last night I went to yoga and threw everything I had at the mat. It was probably the best place to take out my aggression and frustration, especially since I have a really awesome instructor who keeps an eye on (especially) me to make sure I don't hurt myself. It meant I could go a bit crazy but still had safety locks on. Also meant I pushed out beyond fear and did - a backbend (though I did that the week before), made a start on my journey towards the lotus position, gave the fish a go, did some serious shoulder stand stuff, balanced on one leg like it was the last thing I was ever gonna do and even attempted the headstand. It was a funny class - full of men this week. Had a different (slightly competitive) edge to it.

Afterwards, I got a full body massage. My instructor had been trying to talk me into doing it this way, after yoga, and I ended up taking her up on it cause yesterday I figured maybe having my chakras realigned might help. And yeah, I can see what she meant - her energy was up and my body was warm and stretchy from an hour and a half of yoga and it meant she could really work out more of my tension. I slept really well but today I feel like I'm moving through treacle - mentally and physically.

I watched another ep of Star Trek - catsparx I see the green, almost-turtleneck cardy with the gold stripes on the sleeves of Kirk's but that's not the kimono number - there's also some kind of wrap around top!

This week has been an absolute, epic struggle. I got home last night to find my house trashed. Bored puppy inside the house all day does not make for a happy. I had to do a search pattern to locate just what had been destroyed to leave stuffing remains throughout the entire house. I was terrified it was the couch that's not mine. The utter craziness of the spare room, the floor literally an inch deep in shredded stuffing held the answer - the large bolster cushion used in the New Ceres Nights launch costume suffered a horrible, painful death. Also a box and some paper bags got shredded in what looked like some kind of white fluffy dog shredding frenzy.

I just left the mess and went to yoga.

I've been wrestling with just what has left me feeling so emotionally out of sorts this week. There's no doubt I have a lot going on - job hunt, the health thing, book about to go to print, general and constant tiredness. Maybe all these things have left me feeling super sensitive and fragile. Maybe that's why the Hottest 100 thing knocked me around and affected me so much in such a surprising way. I know I have had difficult interfacing with the world and interacting with people. To the point where I need to just take a step back this weekend, cancel a bunch of things and just take some time out.

It's been a tough week that in some ways I have felt utterly excluded and sidelined, and in some cases condescended to. On the other hand, it's also been an awesome week of unity, celebration and support. It's reminded me why I hang out with the people I do, why I read all of you on my flists, of the things I love and why I love them. Of my passion and direction and drive. And of my own ability to *do stuff*.

Everyone around me - online and in flesh - has heard how I feel about this whole thing. We had an awesome discussion at lunch today about Triple J - most of my work friends have long walked away from the station and they talked about why, and about the changes that the station had gone through. One friend wondered at my feeling of loyalty, and sense of identity, towards one outlet of the media. And another asked me why I was still listening to the radio at all. And really, that's just it. I'm not that much of an early adopter really. And there are lots of things in life where I am the last one to get on the train. Or off, perhaps, in this case. And the truth is, I think a lot of my angst this week is about the fact that I have to walk away from Triple J. Part of my personality is a dog-eared stubborn-til-the-end sense of loyalty. It's a very deep and true part of who I am. And I have listened to Triple J for I dunno 15 years in a dedicated way. That, and I hate change :) So I think in part this has been a week of me coming to terms with this. Funny and weird and ultimately inconsequential in the scheme of things.

You know, that and the fact that I already walked away - haven't listened to it since the beginning of the week.

So with all of the angst and struggle this week, I also was overwhelmed by a sense of support and understanding by the people around me. My struggle was only internal. And I feel so utterly honoured to have the peers that I do - that these awesome people (you included) inform and inspire and encourage and bounce off with me.

I have come out richer this week than I entered it.

I have also in some ways freed myself of some of the aspects of feminism that I was feeling were burdensome. In some ways this week has been a week of rescoping out my dreams and goals and aspirations. I realised that I really really want to spend a serious amount of time in Italy. I'm not sure I knew that as much as I do now. I feel like I need to somehow put this on the near future plans. So too, I have realised that I spend more time and energy than I would like in the "explaining and justifying" role of being a feminist. I think I am going to walk away from that too - just like I don't argue with an anti-semite. And this makes me think about what I could be doing if I allocated that time into more of the *doing* role of being a feminist. Stay tuned for that, I think.

me

It's all good :)

After I have spent the week having people quote at me the number of female artists in their personal collections - seriously even people at work started doing it - I just went through my own music collection. Not to count my percentage but to find my Janis Joplin CD.

And so here's a list of musical truths about me:

1. I never ever put the CDs back in the right cases.
Fuck that's annoying when I am looking for something and yet? I never ever do it. Just now, finally found Janis inside Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club (sorta poignant).

2. I have a lot of CDs that I want to listen to to appreciate this month - the stack is high and precarious. Just as well I did this exercise, I might have to double up since I was planning on buying some stuff tomorrow as well.

3. I have not yet gone digital with music. Mostly this is because I don't think I have the time to rip all my music onto the computer and I worry that my computer memory is not big enough. Also, playlists give me anxiety.

3a Imagine how much easier this whole project would be if either I put my CDs back in the right cases or I went digital.

4. I have a lot of the music that made the Hottest 100 of All Time list.

5. I think that I have a system for filing away my CDs but clearly I do not.

6. There's a ton of music I still need to own.

7. There's a ton of stuff I own and had forgotten about.

8. Being forced to peruse my music, put all the CDs back in the right cases and spend a month only listening to music that I own is actually a lot of fun and I am loving it! Good music all the time! What a concept.

9. I also have the right number of Missy Higgins CDs.

(and can cite that at least 4 of the above will have been reasons the bf broke up with me *grin* I am annoying to live with!)