August 7th, 2009


Twas me - I broke the internet

Sigh. Yesterday I skipped yoga in order to edit for the project that has switched places with Robot War Espresso. I was working on it but not gungho. But my deadline is that it needs to be at layout before cassiphone goes into labour.

And then livejournal went down. Then Twitter went down. Facebook was cutting in and out. And then the power in my street blew - heard the explosion n everything.

So I finally took the message from the universe, and edited the entire piece I had in front of me. Yay for Macbooks with very long battery life. And then I went to bed. I heard the Western Power trucks drive by and at 12.30 the power came back on. Well of course it did, I'd finished the work by then! But I got up and emailed it back to the writer.

Sorry. I'll procrastinate less in the future :P

Female Appreciation Month Day 24

Today I am appreciating Whoopi Goldberg. I love the version of Ain't No Mountain High Enough from Sister Act 2 which I was gonna include in today's FAM post, she sings in this, along with Lauryn Hill and others. I also won't admit how many of the hymns I know and love to sing cause of this movie and the first one. Oops!

Also, that, I kinda also love church gospel choirs. Heck, fine, I love the idea of celebrating your love for Gpd. And expressing your joy for life and for Gpd in uplifting song and dance.

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

Oh Happpy Day

Joyful Joyful (with Lauryn Hill)

Eye on the Sparrow - Lauryn Hill and Tanya Blount

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow
and I know he watches me

But I love and admire Whoopi Goldberg for the cutting and brilliant comedian that she is, the awesome actress that she is and for the person she is. You can use the Six Degrees of Separation of Kevin Bacon, but was Bacon in Star Trek? I don't think so!

But what I really admire about her is the way she is unapologetic about the way she thinks, sees and relates to the world but is able to express herself in ways that are compassionate, kind, wise and diplomatic. She joined The View to take over from Rosie O'Donnell after the great Rosie/Elizabeth smackdown and she chairs the panel with grace, intelligence and humour. I loved hearing her commentary on the US elections as they unfolded and I get up on Sundays mornings to watch the week's worth of episodes replayed.

When I grow up, I wanna be Whoopi Goldberg.


About last night

I feel a need to post a follow up post to what happened yesterday and last night here. The specific comments from the other person were deleted by that person but many people read them as they were being posted and followed the discussion as it happened.

This is very difficult to write now, just as it was very difficult to read unfold last night. Because the person is a close friend of mine, an intelligent person and a compassionate, reasonable and understanding one. And it was for these reasons that I did exactly what I was actually originally talking about in the very post in which this happened. I shut up. I stood there and let the person continue to hurt me. I watched them twist an argument so that I wasn't sure if I had made sense in the first place, if my own logic, reasoning, understanding and experience was somehow flawed or ... you know, perhaps I had made a big deal about nothing. And I didn't say anything to defend myself or to voice that with every subsequent comment this person was further wounding me because, and here's the big one - I didn't want to be seen to be a bully, such is the talk around the net on this subject.

There seems to be accusations of crowd mentality and bullying when groups of women voice what they have been thinking and feeling in response to the same put downs and misunderstandings over what we are saying over and over and over again. Women lately are getting portrayed as angry bullies. And if it's one thing I hate, it's a bully. So I shut up. But the other thing I really hate is being belittled, or ignored or someone telling me they know better or that I don't feel or have a right to feel the way that I do. I hate feeling unheard and that the other person doesn't care to put the time in to hear me.

So what actually happened? I wrote a post in response to another blog post I read about rape and about how rape sits at one end of a spectrum of interaction between men and women. I thought it was really interesting, within my own experience, to consider that how you are expected to act in every day interactions is how you will act (or perhaps are expected to act) in extreme ones and I talked about how that had very much been true in my own life. A theme on this blog has been about how I am trying to overcome expectations, or conditioning, on how I am supposed to act and this put into context why I feel these expectations for my behaviour.

Many women commented how they related to this too. And I got some private emails about it as well. And then he came on, I think initially, to talk about how he related to what I was saying, which of course was within his own context. I don't think that I argued that feminist theory gives me some right to not act like a decent human being. I think there is a moral and social code of conduct and it's important that we all respect each others feelings and be considerate of them.

However, in the context of my post, and the post I was reacting to, I was actually saying how when you put someone else's feelings as more important than your own (which this person was still arguing is important to do), you can find yourself in sexual situations of questionable consent. This I believe was my point. And has in fact happened to me. This is what I was talking about in this post. And that for me, to avoid being in situations where, let's be explicit here shall we, I let someone fuck me because I don't want to hurt their feelings by saying no thank you, or not tonight dear or whatever, I need to NOT ALWAYS PUT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS AS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY OWN.

I capitalised that because, I still don't want to write this post. I know my friend is hurting over what happened and that hurts me. But if I don't post this here and say that by him not reading the initial post I linked to and then framed my own post within, and then not stopping to listen to how people were explaining to him that picking one sentence out of someone else's comment which was within the context of my post, and running with that, was derailing the current discussion in this post, then I have shut up. I have let my argument be shut down and the initial point of my post is lost within the deconstruction of it, in which, somehow we were made to be arguing that other people's feelings are less important than our own. When actually, yes, sometimes they are - in extreme situations such as when I am being forced, coerced or bullied into doing something that I do not want to do. In this case, how I feel is more important. And if we never allow for the circumstance that it is ok to place your own feelings above all else, then we are perpetuating the same conditioning. If we do not clearly and explicitly discuss these exceptions, it does not follow that they go without saying. And my point was, if I do not look at my everyday behaviour with the understanding that extreme situations sit at the end point of this, then I cannot break the cycle.

It is not bullying to state your argument and ask for the other side to hear you.

And I'm very much trying not to let the other person's hurt override my own raw hurt feelings at being belittled about something exceedingly important. And about voicing this or allowing other women to voice it for me.

In response to what was going on my blog, he wrote a post about how feminism didn't have a place for him and it was within the context of my post that I replied to him over there. Other people got caught in the crossfire of that exchange without the full context and that started brushfires.

I'm not arguing all of feminist theory here. I'm not arguing that women are better than men or that individual men do not have it off worse than individual women or that men are not exposed to conditioning and societal expectations of their own. All of this though, being thrown at me from different people at the same time as I was trying to be heard for my original point, all works to derail my argument and have it be lost in a sea of noise.

And my original point was a vaulable and valid one.

I am tired now of trying to be heard and for asking people to take the time to understand me and my experiences. I am raw and hurt and feel wounded by the words of yesterday.

ball of yarn

family stuff

Yesterday I popped in to see my mother and my sister came past. She'd been maternity clothes shopping and showed us a few things she'd bought. My sister will never look frumpy or fat whilst pregnant, that's for sure. She also has found opaque tights in maternity sizes.

I must say that I got the giggles at her round belly. She announced she was with child at 13 weeks in so that's meant we got instant results and things to fuss over. Mum has gone all out with the knitting already. I am taking a more considered approach (ie haven't started yet). But her belly has well and truly popped, she's 16 weeks now, and my little baby sister - whom I remember on the day she was born and when she was 2 and 3 and crazy and loud and boyish and then when she was 10 and 15 and the day she hooked up with her husband to be and the day she married him - my little baby sister is making a person. And it's bizarre and cool all at the same time.

She's due Jan 21 so now I'm not sure I will make it to the Aurealis Awards ceremony afterall. She's like ... it's three days what can you possibly miss? ... but, what if I do miss something?

Still it's all exciting and we're on the cusp of being forever changed - it won't just be me and my sister or me, my sister and her husband (they've been together like 15 years or something) anymore. We'll be 4, I guess. And there will be this new person to get to know. And to teach all the things they've already banned me from teaching them. Oh yes. I'm gonna be that kind of aunt :) After I negotiate what my title will be.


Stop the Press!

I nearly forgot, OMG, that I promised myself Haighs chocolates if I got a 15k novelette line edited last night!

Circumstances conspired such that editing that story was the *only* thing I could do other than go to sleep, and I did it! The story is awesome and I love it. And the author is awesome and already went through the manuscript and sent it back with corrections.

And so I just ordered myself some chocolates. OMG their berry chocs are to die for. I think tonight I will only drink beverages in martini glasses and I shall eat takeaway in my underwear and flick through magazines feigning boredom.

Or I'll like proof the other story, try and book a venue for the Melb book launch (OMG the pain, it hurts) and work on my roadmap to awesome, catch up in the internet which again failed me today and other such mundanities.


Female Appreciation Month Day 25

Well I was saving Garbage cause I love them and couldn't decide which songs I would choose.

And then it was all so very clear.

Stupid Girl

I saw them do this one live and it was one of those religious type experiences. Shirley Manson talked about the song and why she wrote it before she sang it and it seemed like it took her back to that moment in her life. Because after she sang it, she had to take 5 mins before she could carry on. It will always be a special song to me.

Likewise with Sarah McLachlan. So many songs to love and appreciate. But my favourite:


Both these songs are where I went for comfort today, to hide from the pain. Beautiful women who understand me and where I am.


Denial of Service attacks

Why yes I have the internets back.

POPULAR social networking sites Twitter and Facebook are under attack from cyber criminals allegedly targeting a single individual.

Online security firm Symantec today said it was monitoring a new wave of denial-of-service attacks against the sites, after a first round last night.

Twitter was taken offline by the attacks for several hours overnight. Facebook and LiveJournal also suffered problems.

CNET News reported the attacks may be targeting an individual with profiles on several social networking sites.

Cyxymu on Twitter –
Cyxymu on YouTube –,28348,25895705-5014239,00.html


Getting sorted

I've been diligently ripping cds every night this week. I'm very nearly at the end of the exercise, and should probably be finished tomorrow night. Interestingly, I have a reasonable pile - more than 10, hopefully less than 20 - of empty cases. No idea where the cds that belong inside could even be hiding. I'm hoping somehow this mystery will be solved at some point in the rest of this sorting process.

I'm at that point where I've been working hard and any minute I will see results but ... not just yet. And the whole thing looks messier than when I started. This might be the point at which I nearly bail. Apparently though, awesomeness requires a labelmaker. If I have time tomorrow I shall source such an item.

I'm also looking forward to moving onto a new task from this one. Though I think the next one I have in mind will be culling, sorting and justifying my books. That will no doubt be painful. Particularly since I intend to rationalise my to read pile.

My Roadmap to Awesomeness is taking shape. It is lots and lots of rows in the spreadsheet so I'm sorting that and posing each one as an actual achievable goal. I've been thinking lots about cassiphone's comment that if I don't make the things I want to do a priority, they won't get done. And I'm trying to come up with a way of doing this so it happens.

So that's where I'm at. Still culling at least one item a day from my house. Trying to stave off the mess than Benji leaves all over the damn place - killing his latest toy softly.