August 18th, 2009


Two epiphanies both alike in fair Verona

I've been working on two separate thought paths over the past two weeks, and funnily enough they kind of came to the same point conclusion. Sort of. And the funniest bit is, the two people who I wanted to be all - this is my ephiphany - to, over one of these, both came to me this weekend and had already been thinking along the same lines.

Thought the First relates to the women in SF/diversity in SF discussions I've been involved in. I've been involved in discussion threads on my blog, on other people's blogs, by email and also in person. Some of it's been productive. Some of it hasn't. Most of it has taken energy and time. The topic is something I am passionate about.

But I've been thinking about time and energy management. Recently I discovered that I waste a lot of time on free to air TV - not because I enjoy it or even actually watch it but because I am too lazy to switch it off or to go find something else to replace it. I have a huge list of TV and Film that I actually really would like to have time to watch. It suddenly clicked that I could, like, replace one with the other. You know, if I was cool with letting go of routine, checking out of the Matrix and just winging it doing what I want when I want. Stepping outside the norm. It still requires habit breaking - a lot of "hey, I don't even like Neighbours and the 7pm Project. I could be watching one episode of blah blah right now". But, having been doing it for a couple of weeks now, I have made good inroads into Mad Men (am completely up to date) and the L Word and Star Trek. And the list of what I'd like to watch seems less intimidating and more achievable.

So this exercise kind of showed me how I could still optimise my time management. And I started looking elsewhere for similar inefficient time/energy expenditure. And this is where I got to thinking about the whole SF discussions. Cause at the end of the day, I am contributing to the scene. And spending energy and getting frustrated talking the talk actually detracts from my capability to walk the walk. Even just in so far as, if I spend an evening getting caught up in a particular discussion, that's an evening that derailed me from spending time on Twelfth Planet Press. Or reading. And ultimately, for me, it's about walking the walk. It's about actually offering an alternative and putting that out there to see if readers want it. And the proof, in the end, is in the sales. When I thought about it, would I rather win a very nice award (which are shiny and represent the opinions of my peers) or would I rather sell my books and keep my press viable to pay for the next year's schedule? Awards are shiny and very very nice to win. And I don't think I'm saying that the other fights - about recognition and archiving and the recording of history - are not important. I think they very much are. But I think independent press is about being on the fringe, being alternative, being experimental, being out there on the edge. It's about appealing to a readership that is searching for something to fill the gap. And that's kinda where it's the most invigorating and fun.

I think it's time for me to spend some time just working on walking the walk and doing that which I believe in. And doing it as well as I possibly can.

And I have some new ideas and plans about that.

Thought the Second relates to my love life. It actually hit me, finally clicked in my brain and stayed there, that I have spent my whole life wasting time looking for ... ??? It's not like I haven't had this conversation with many people but seriously this is the first time I actually get what they are saying. I have been looking for someone but had actually no idea who it was that I was looking for. I've been wandering around for near on two decades hoping that IT would just hit me and bang there it would be. Like in the movies or something. And when you are ill-defined and you don't really know what you want or what you are looking for, you can't really set boundaries or criteria or have some kind of screening mechanism. And when you lack these things, I think you attract opportunistic type people. Because what you will allow to occur becomes kinda blurry and defined by the other person. In case IT hits you in that particular situation and that person is The One. And because you don't really know who you are looking for, how do you know that person is The One? Or ... none of those people were The One (they weren't, empirical evidence says so) and the fact that nothing slapped me in the face was the clue.

So then that should mean that something did hit me smack in the head cause the other day it did all just click into place. I don't want to explain stuff - not reading, not religion, not food, not SF, not publishing, not feminism, not family, not music, not TV, not the environment, not politics ... none of it. I'm looking for someone who comes along and hits the ground running alongside me. Someone who I feel an equal power dynamic with. Someone I am attracted to. Someone who isn't draining to spend time with. Someone who doesn't make me feel less than. Someone who puts me first on their list. Someone who likes my friends. And anyone other than someone who meets all these things is Not The One. How's that kathrynlinge and cassiphone? How long did that take me? 10 years? Fuck some things can take me an eternity to understand.

How are these two thoughts alike? I think I waste a lot of time and energy wandering around the point without actually pinning it down and looking it square in the eye. Which would be quicker and save me a lot of time.


yes well then

I'm walking like an old person today. Shuffling. I've added some muttering to that just to amuse myself. Yesterday was a bad Crohn's day. And last night was not good either. Been getting bouts of nighttime hives without anything really obvious to pinpoint as the cause. Just means that I need to admit that I'm overdoing things and pull back and detox my diet for a bit. The pain helps to reinforce that. So no alcohol for me. Gonna have to limit the deadly nightshades and berries *sobs* and go gluten free for a bit. See if everything calms back down.


health thing

Hung out in bed today. Didn't even turn the TV on all day - that's gotta be a first. Felt mostly just tired, really. It was good to take the day off, slow down a bit and try and relax. I think I probably need another week of that though to not feel tired anymore. Mum dropped in with some supplies - medical and chocolate. When I have a flare up, I can't seem to ingest enough chocolate. It had me thinking to the last time when I had all those vivid dreams after the flare up passed. And angriest mentioned the release of serotonin after an inflamed gut. Makes me wonder if that's where the chocolate craving comes from. I shall have to see if it abates and if vivid dreams recur.

I blame the peanuts for this. I think peanuts trigger my Crohn's rather than agitating or being an intolerance thing like say gluten which tends to end up in IBS. So I didn't think I was really better by Thursday - certain movements in yoga were painful (couple of the seated twists). Friday night we had a mega spicy dinner and then I did drink some alcohol on the weekend. And on top of that being tired and coming down from some stress. It's not really a huge shock.

I'm going to try and catch up on sleep the rest of the week.