September 12th, 2009

Willow

9/11

I tend to avoid 9/11 memorials - it's not really my event to be constantly commemorating and for me, I dunno, but not enough time has passed for the emotion to have abaited. I just for some unknown reason played the video on Boing Boing that streams together pretty much all the TV channels that covered the event live - and in each case, there's 8mins of it, the reporter is covering the first plane that flew into the tower and the tower being on fire and the speculation of some accident when the second plane flies straight into the second tower. So over and over in this video are people live on air kinda reacting in shock and stating "this is on purpose". After the first, I was sobbing. I don't know that enough time will ever pass for me to be able to not react that way.

The world changed that day.

Willow

(no subject)

Wow, I'm so tired. Just bone-weary.

I'm just back from our Swancon 36 meeting. Four hours, I think. And frankly, all meetings should come with homemade rocky road. Especially when you're talking budgets :) Surprisingly, I think we've nearly nailed down most of the outer skeleton on this. Now it'll be all about bones, and muscles and tendons, and blood, tears and spit, I spose. Yay?

Oddly I think other than the productivity of that meeting, I also got a lot else done. Got my hair cut and coloured. And got my hairdresser realising she NEEDS to go watch True Blood NOW. I picked up my Dali prints and ran some errands to my mother's. AND I wrote a book review. A small book, sure. And thus a small review. But a review nonetheless. And I picked up 3 CDs at JB HiFi :)

I need to find a place now to hang my Dali prints. I love them and the framing has picked them up a treat. But I'm not sure where they should go. I want to be able to see them all the time to inspire me to think outside the box and break all the rules. But on the other hand, I don't think they should be in a room like my bedroom - I don't think the flaccidity in the imagery should hang above my bed :P Bad feng shui!!

Last night we had our end of work dinner. Even our old boss and her husband came. I was tired and not excited about going but I had a really awesome time! I didn't end up sitting with the crew I wanted to but that didn't much seem to matter (I'll still be friends with them after this place anyway). There was so much laughing and joking around - I will never work in a team of 25 people who share my sense of humour and need to be smartarse about *everything* ever again. It's nuts but so much fun. At one point in the evening, a smaller team got up to present their boss with a card and thankyou and they all went to stand round behind her at the table. They gave a small speech and we all were clapping and then suddenly the whole room was clapping. And them someone at the back of the room, at some other function, broke out into Happy Birthday and T_ who is utterly crazy and hilarious starts joining in and encouraging everyone, yelling, "Would you believe she is 52 today?!" and suddenly everyone is singing Happy Birthday and cheering. It was so ridiculous I was crying from laughing so hard. I am so going to miss T_ and her ability to just go with whatever is happening for maximum laughs. I'm gonna miss going into work to be part of this team everyday too.

I commented later on that if that had been a movie, that would have been the pivotal point where suddenly "they" realised we HAD to stay together and somehow our Branch Manager would rush in with a cheque to cover our overheads and it would save the day.

Didn't happen. Though our current manager is interested in doing some line editing and proofing for TPP that I might take her up on for next year. Cause next year I'm gonna be more in the crazy than this year.

I got my blood test results back - all good and normal, including my folate levels which last time I had tests were low (as in I got told specifically not to get pregnant). My B12 though was on the very low side and suggested I adjust my diet. I think, since I am SO TIRED, I might try a supplement for a bit to see if that helps (though they are so big to swallow).

I am taking a day off tomorrow. So much so that I just ordered a movie from Box Office and will sit and watch it without my computer and just ... be ... for a bit tomorrow. I might start knitting this shawl too

Isabel

Thoughts turn to love

It's coming up to Jewish New Year (next weekend), a time for reflection, repentance and forgiveness. The ex has been on my mind a lot lately and it occurred to me tonight that it's coming up to two years since our breakup. Since y'all reckon it takes half the time you were together to get over it, surely I must be close to it by now? :P

I miss a lot of things but the things I miss are not really specific to the ex. I miss being part of a couple - I missed it a lot last night when driving to the dinner on my own in the rain at night. I missed it more coming home in the same conditions. And climbing into bed by myself. I sometimes feel sad about the constant-living-alone - which is kind of different to living alone, which I love. I love not having to share all my space with someone else, I love not having to clear space or have things moved when I'm out. I love not having to speak to anyone when I get straight home from work or having to justify why I'm tired and want to go to bed and not go out. Or why I'm not tired and staying up till very late even though I have something early in the morning. But sometimes the neverending aloneness of it all makes me feel, well, lonely.

The ex could be very kind, when he chose to be. And generous. To beyond a fault. And we had a lot of personal moments that he is the only person in the world I have shared with. And it feels weird, still now, to have lost that person from my life - the only person who has seen me at some of my most unwell moments (physically with Crohn's and later with the OCD). And even though he left in the end, I don't really think those were the reasons and I think he always treated those parts of me with respect and love.

When alls said and done, though, I don't miss the ex and our relationship. And what I'm left currently worrying over is ... what exactly I was doing in it? I feel sad that I was so desperate to be in a relationship back then that I settled for whatever I was offered - that I thought so little about myself that I thought that was the best offer I'd ever get. And more than that, that *if* that was the only offer I ever got, that I didn't think being alone would be better - that one I guess I had to learn the hard way.

In the end, though, I have my life back. It's taken two years to find my way back to myself, to be comfortable in my own skin again. And I *am* happy in my life. It feels like a lifetime has passed and I spose in a way, it has. It feels like it's taken a lifetime to finally say I'm happy in the here and now, and I guess too, I spose it has.