November 29th, 2009

Willow

New Moon - I saw it

About halfway into New Moon, I started to get really angry. I started to think about how, teenage girls (and some older women, by the sounds of things at the hairdressers) are going to see this movie, no matter what. It's pretty much guaranteed that they are going to hand over their cash to see this, probably even more than once. I went with my cousin who sheepishly confessed she'd actually seen it as soon as it came out, cause she couldn't wait. She is not going to have been the only one.

I think it's the height of insult that the makers of this movie, given the assured revenue, did not invest more cash to respect the audience - the actors were terrible, the script was Gpd awful, the makeup was OMG BAD (anyone else wonder why Bella was in love with the clown face man/marionette doll?), really bad special effects and the plot - oh plot! where were you?! I missed you!!!!! The crapness of the filming, costuming and special effects just made me mad. I couldn't help but think that if this movie were being made for ... ooh .. a male audience? ... they would have spent more time making the effects and makeup more believable.

I found myself spending a lot of time checking out people's teeth. It's weird. Jacob's are really white - you can't help but notice them. But I could actually draw you a lot of the actors' teeth, I spent so long gazing at them. Was that just me?

Also ... I'm sorry. Is it cause I am too old now? But I. Just. Do. Not. Get. The. Edward. Cullen. Thing. There was this skill I learned in highschool - a place where you never want to stand out - I perfected the art of identifying guys who other people would say are really hot (but to me look ugly). It's something about the nose - which is always big and noticeable, and the narrow eyebrows. Or something. I guess he has this James Dean brooding thing - but (and this is where I might be old) the brooding dude? So unattractive! He's so busy being all introverted and wracked with angst about his own shit that he never really notices you. BORING!!! Plus, in New Moon, there is never actually any indication that Edward a) loves Bella or b) why he does. And you get no clues from her on the matter. I so don't give a shit about their story.

So all I was left with was to thoroughly enjoy the buff naked chests of the werewolves. Which ... well, look, are certainly worth the price of the movie. All warm and beating with blood, all alive and strong and buff. Yummy. I dunno that I necessarily think Jacob is good looking ... I couldn't decide (which is what I spent my 2.5 hours doing. That. And admiring his teeth). He pulled off broody and angsty far more believably than anyone else and frankly was the standout actor of the whole film. I could actually *feel* his emotions and his pain. And cared about it.

I'm annoyed at Meyer because before these books, I always fell on the vampire side of the vampire v werewolf dichotomy. We had Angel! And Spike! And Darla. And now, now I am so squarely in the werewolf camp, which to be fair always had Oz too. But ... hairyness and howling at the moon be damned. Give me Jacob over Edward any day.

My mother pointed this out to be from the first movie, and having seen New Moon (and I spose I'll see Twilight at some point) - the real story is the Cullen family and this writer is so skilled at avoiding plot that she just builds a bypass highway so she can be 100% sure that she bypasses it. By far the most interesting scenes in this movie happen inside the Cullen household. A total of 2 mins and 15 secs, at a guess.

Shame really.

New Moon verdict: it was slightly better than staying home to balance my books, but only for naked buff chests, rocky road choc tops, very white teeth and catching up with my cousin.