July 4th, 2010

Willow

Sugar free day 4

It feels like forever but it's only been 4 days since I last had sugar. Yesterday I hit my first real withdrawal and cravings. I desperately wanted something, anything, for most of the afternoon. I think because I was late having lunch. Eating extra protein in meals is helping a bit. I arrived at maelkann's to find him wrists deep in pasta making - he made gnocci from scratch for dinner, gluten free! Dinner was delicious and what always finishes a fine fine dinner is ... dessert. An ice cream of some kind. And a certain person had just stocked his freezer full of very delicious ice creams. I might have asked for one. Maybe knowing that I wouldn't get one. I was kindly asked what exactly was my deal with myself and if it included the single ice cream on a Saturday night, in which case I could have one. Alas my deal did not. And I hope one day that I will be able to consume ice cream that way. But for now, I know that I can't.

So I made it, barely, through day 3. Day 4 has been ok. There have been moments when I have looked at delicious, sugary delights. And I was handed a coffee this afternoon and I looked for the sugar to add out of habit. But I have made it to the end of another day without sugar.

It's hard. I go through hours of craving all sorts of things. But I don't yet feel like I really want to give in. I am reminding myself that the needing to give in is the very thing I am trying to kick, not even the craving itself, necessarily. The craving will be there whether I cave in in the moment or not.

Day 5 tomorrow. And onwards.

Yesterday I was missing my grandmother very much. I had spent some time with my niece in the morning - whom my grandmother would have gotten so much nachos from. And the funny thing is that my niece has my grandmother's hands. It's so odd to see them on such a small, unblemished person. So familiar and such a strong reminder of someone who is no longer here. And yet - there she is, evidence that she was here, in any case. And my mother calls herself a name that my grandmother used to be for my cousins. And then last night my mum was going off to babysit on a Saturday night, just like my grandparents used to do for us, when they were my mother's age. It's really odd to see everything just shift over a bit. And I've been wearing my grandmother's cape a bit in the cold. So ... I miss her. I miss her a lot. And because there is so much that is familiar of her around at the moment. I had a bit of a cry as I was driving down to see C last night. I don't think I've cried really since the funeral and the period just after she passed away. Last night I missed her so much, with such a heartache. And I wondered if this was one of the things I've been numbing. Out of habit and the way I know how to cope.