August 12th, 2010


Do Better!

I had counselling on Monday night and it was kind of a complainfest. I'm mad at myself about two character weaknesses - or that and the way I am in a couple of scenarios playing out IRL. There was a lot if "and what have you learned" in relation to a particularly strong regret I have. Which was met with dramatic over the top acting - Nothing! I've learned nothing. If I can't laugh in counselling then, well, I got nuthin.

Wanting to please everyone and have noone hate you are such difficult desires to shake. Course if you want to be a hardarse and play ball (you'd either niot have these when you started out or) you just have to get over it.

Still. It was a really helpful session even if the bottom line was: Do Better. I took away a plan of action. Now I just have to ... Do better. And not let other people's shit bother me.

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it's all part of the process, I know

I am unbelievably tired at the moment. As in dragging myself through mud, could fall asleep at any moment, unable to concentrate kind of bone tired. I was thinking how cool it is, really, to work in cycles. I mean as an adult I've learned to look ahead, prepare for what is coming and work more steadily on projects rather than an allnighter job the day before it's due. But at the same time, you can't work steadily all day every day.

And I must say that I am quite liking the idea of the mandatory rest stop. At the moment, I am pretty burned out at the editing/proofing stage. I'm still having trouble speaking coherently - the words no longer seem to want to string together properly and everything looks and sounds wrong. I spent 6 weeks working solidly on proofing and editing the final versions of a few projects - back and forth with writers, proofers and layout with each project in a different stage and repeating several times. I pretty much was working on *something* til late every night. And now all of a sudden, I am working on nothing. And ... as much as I am kind of itching to peer into the submissions email boxes, I actually can't do any more editing for a bit, the work wouldn't be good. So I am making myself take a break.

And ... it's kinda nice, I have to say! Last night I baked a cake. I'm pottering around, visiting people, having long coffees and chats and sewing. And catching up on a bunch if DVDs. And I am sorta wondering what it would be like to be like this all the time - living without the constant pressing self imposed deadlines. Kinda nice. Relaxing even.

Yeah it won't last. But that's the cool thing about working on cycles, I guess. Always enjoying the phase you're in and looking forward to the next one.

But also, I am actually close to burned out. So the break is necessary and that makes me not feel resentful of it. If I don't embrace it and kick back and destress, I won't be able to get back into it. But also, I lack focus and concentration at the moment. Can't read. Can't watch thoughtful movies with subtitles. Can't much stick to any one thing for much length of time - crafting is all over the place.

Course, only the editor is on a break. Publishing stops for noone. The onslaught of things for the publisher's to do list never stop coming. But lots of those things are maintenance things - making sure preorders are logged and organised, replying to submissions emails, paying bills, answering queries, ticking over the printing steps etc. I'm also getting to do a few things that have long needed to get done. And I keep being fascinated by how, if you actually have time to catch up, then things never really get that bad again. Like, I can almost not comprehend not being in such a bad place with my financial records - as in, you fix it, develop a system and then the next time you have to go back and tidy it up, it's not a start over from the beginning. Not sure if I have explained that. But now that I have time, I don't have to spend it on that task, cause that one is done and fixed, and now I am getting to some other long needed things. And then they will be done. And somehow I seem to be moving ahead and progressing here. And that's the same thing about the cycles - you get deep into a project and focus on that and then when it's done and you're recouperating, you tidy up the bits and pieces that got left out that need to be packed away before you start on the next project. It has this nice synchronicity.

I dunno. I probably just need more sleep. Now the adrenalin has stopped, I can't seem to get enough sleep.