girlie jones (girliejones) wrote,
girlie jones
girliejones

Today

Just back from mynxi's who cooked me a very lovely dinner tonight. Twas nice to kick back and chat with friends.

Especially nice since I had a very trying day - I knew my sensibleness would not last long. I was kinda thinking about the whole backhand comment I tossed out to the ex yesterday about the meal he promise and we never had. I was starting to revert to the old self-beating up place in my head. benpayne suggested that maybe my issue with not being able to walk off and needing to be friends with the ex is an issue of forgiveness. That there are things I was or actions I did in the relationship that I regret and that I feel I need forgiveness for. This really struck home for me and I found myself very nearly on the edge of tears all day.

I do think I feel that I need to be forgiven. And I feel that if the ex doesn't want to be friends with me - then maybe he thinks or that I am this awful person and that now that he is free of me, he can't ran far or fast enough away. And because of these regrets and these things that I am ashamed of, I feel unable to accept the kindness, the praise and the love of the people who hang around here or are around me in real life. I feel that those words would not be said ... if only they knew ...

I texted the ex and he had time to talk so I called him and talked this over with him. And he said that there was nothing that I needed to be forgiven for. He said that we were just different people. And I said that I felt that he did not want to be friends with me and how that makes me feel and he went with the not yet having had time to catch up with me. I pointed out the three girls (that I know of) that he has managed to make time for and that I felt that if he really wanted to find time to have a meal with me, he could have done so in a whole month. I think, from what he said, that he felt that we needed more time apart so that we could be friends without all the sniping and whatnot. He heard what I had to say and how I have been feeling and asked me out to lunch tomorrow. I will go and I will see how that is. But I remembered something he told me weeks ago that I had forgotten - that what he got out of our relationship was love, companionship and a beautiful partner. I'd been stressing out that maybe he had never loved me and that maybe we had never had a good time.

After we sorted this out, I thought about how he said that I didn't need forgiveness because I had done nothing that required it. And maybe it's that I need forgiveness from myself. If the reason he has not been wanting to hang out is not that I am this ogre but that he just wants time to pass ... then ... the reason I *want* him to be friends with me just might be to say everything was alright and the past is gone and all is forgotten. Because he isn't doing that, I don't feel like it is - I don't feel that I am forgiven. And so now, I must think long and hard about what it is that I feel that I need to forgive myself for. And whether I can do that. And whether that will allow me to do the final moving on.
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