girlie jones (girliejones) wrote,
girlie jones

on finding myself again

In case you were wondering, my mother's interpretation of my dream was: when you think you are on a path and all your dreams go up in smoke, all is not lost, there is always another way.


I've been thinking a lot about rituals. We all have them. Things you always like to do - like before you go to bed or whatever. When the ex and I broke up the first time, my friend N told me that I need to change my routines, shake things up, so that nothing is familiar and thus nostalgic and sad. It was good advice then and it's good advice now. It was one of the things I was careful to do this time - hard as it was still living with him right after the break up. But the cool thing about new rituals is the newness of them - makes them special - and when they're yours, they're what you want to do.

The other day I was thinking how much I missed the old rituals but mostly because I had the ex to do them with. And it's the having couple rituals that kinda make you feel like a couple, or rather what makes your coupling feel special. I was sad about the fact that they were gone and that we'd never do them anymore and nostalgic remembering how we'd come up with them and stuff. That's probably the bit I miss the most - that someone else thinks spending time with you is special enough and the likes that you both share are special enough to both of you to ritualise them. Or even better, when you introduce someone to something you love and find they love them and it becomes a special thing you both do together.

Lately though, I've been noticing myself returning to rituals that remind me of the first few years we were together. Rituals we had at the beginning of our relationship and which now make me a little bit sad. But it just occurred to me that actually, these were probably my own original rituals or things that *I* liked to do that he adopted because mostly he's just the sort of person who's spontaneous and has no regular routine. So I'm not going to be sad about going back to rituals we first shared in our beginning days. They were *my* rituals all along. They're things that *I* like to do and that make *me* happy.
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