girlie jones (girliejones) wrote,
girlie jones
girliejones

More on finding my way back to me

Two things today that really struck me about how I am coming back to the me I know and thus how lost I have been for so long.

lilysea sent me a CD in the mail just the other day - she said it was to cheer me up and to lift my spirits. She pointed me to a specific song. And yes that song does indeed lift my spirits. Thank you Lily. But actually the whole thing lifts my spirits so much more than you intended. Firstly, today was the very first day in at least 3 years that I put a CD on in my car. WTF? How did that stop happening? And playing it - strong female vocals and lyrics that empower you by their very existence - reminded me of back in my postgrad pre-the ex days when I would associate summer with driving around and having female singers blaring out the speakers. That listening to clever songs written by empowered women empowered me. Today I remembered that, I lived it and I was empowered by it. How did I get so lost? Thank you Lily for the signpost directing me back to my track!

The other thing was this surreal conversation I had with two of my workmates. I was in their office having a serious occupational health and safety conversation and I mentioned to the new member of our team how when they moved temprarily to my old office digs, she was sitting diagonally behind me. She looks puzzled and blankly at me. How can that be? she asks. Well I was very quiet there. What? They both ask me. That surely is not even possible. And I explained how I laid low over there to avoid getting noticed ... etc ... and they both could not relate that person to the me they know and one of them said "I like the chatty Alisa." And the other said it must have been such a relief to come here. And it struck me how weird it was to be talking about that time (both that job and the transition to this one) as a total beforetime - like you would recount a weird situation that happened to you in high school. I was that removed from it and that person. And I felt so dissociated from her. It felt good. It felt like I was me again - the me people used to know.

When I was in London I visited a very good, old friend and she was absolutely gobsmacked by the mental state I was in when I arrived (a week later I got dumped but you were all there for that!). She didn't recognise me at all. She wanted to know where all the bubbles went.

I think the bubbles might be coming back N. I think I found their source - or maybe the blockage just got removed.

It's weird though - how removed you can get from who you were - both in a good and a bad way. And when you are the you in the present, you can hardly comprehend the who you used to be.

Enough rambling - I slept in late this morning so I should take my tail to bed now.
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